Time Evaded Me

Almost 10 MONTHS since I've updated this blog, eh? Well, that's just entirely unacceptable. I am going to edit and make public the multiple posts I've started and never finished in the past 10 months. My goal is one a day... so check back tomorrow (and the following days) if you're curious as to what I'm writing.

It's time to stop keeping all my writings private. May you be blessed, challenged, and/or encouraged by what's to come.

-Dez

Surrendered

I started this blog a little over three years ago with the intentions of using it as a raw, honest expression of what's happening in my mind and heart as I walk (and sometimes run... and sometimes sit down alongside...) this adventurous road of following Christ, this unique path He has laid before me. By doing this I was also hopeful that I could encourage others and reveal truths through my posts as God leads me, and I still am. Another reason for this blog is because I think it is a good way for my children, when they are teenagers and older, to get a glimpse of things that went on in my personal relationship with God as I was raising them. They will see me live out my faith every day as children and teenagers, and I think it will add another dimension to how well they know me by seeing what I wrote about my faith along the way.

I'm not sure if I ever explained the title and website URL for this blog. I guess the title "Meditations of My Heart" is pretty self-explanatory though. Each writing is from my heart, things that I find myself intensely reflecting (meditating) on. Sometimes those things are about myself, sometimes they are about things happening in the world all around me. I chose the URL "desireesurrendered" because it is a truth that challenges me daily and defines who I am. To surrender is to give oneself up or abandon oneself into the power of another. I surrendered my life to God as a child and it is something I must do daily because if I don't then I am in danger of slipping into disobedience and becoming distracted of my purpose for living.

Shall we sin because we live not under Law but under God's favor and mercy? Certainly not! Do you not know that if you continually surrender yourselves to anyone to do his will, you are the slaves of him whom you obey, whether that be to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience which leads to righteousness (right doing and right standing with God)? But thank God, though you were once slaves on fin, you have become obedient with all your heart to the standard of teaching in which you were instructed and to which you were committed. -Romans 6:15-17 (Amplified version)

We all are surrendered to something, or someone, every single day of our lives. If I continually surrender myself to God's will for my life, I am led to loving Him, loving others His way, and obedience that takes me into deeper levels of closeness with Him. But if I choose my way as led by my sinful nature, I become a slave to things that lead me to death. I've been surrendered to both, and my experience has taught me that I am a fool to choose to surrender to anything or anyone but God. His inherent goodness, faithfulness, and profound love overwhelm me.

I surrendered to Jesus Christ once twenty years ago, ensuring my eternity with the One who loved me so much that He chose to take the punishment for my sin and remove my shame. Through faith in Him I can say with confident joy that I am a beloved daughter of the one true God.

Now I am fighting to surrender to God every day, because the enemy is very much just that: my enemy (synonymous with attacker, opponent, adversary). He voraciously wants me to surrender to him, to money, to beauty, to media, to fitness, to laziness, to approval of man, to career, to ANYTHING that will distract me from my allegiance to Christ. Because a believer actively surrendered to God alone is a mighty dangerous threat to the powers of hell.

My writings on here have been scarce, largely because I was overwhelmed with the long season of life I found myself in. It feels so freeing to currently be unemployed and (finally) out of college. I have an abundance of time on my hands, and I feel the weight of the responsibility to learn how to use it well. May each moment of every day be spent for the glory of God. Whether I am at the park or pool with Brielle, hanging out with friends new and old, doing laundry and cleaning house, cooking, writing, serving, whatever it is... my hunger and desire is to keep my eyes on Him all the time. I could care less about anything this world has to offer; I just want Him. I long for the day that I see Him face to face. I imagine a smile across His face as His eyes of love speak of the delight He has in me. I want to hear Him say through that smile, "Well done. You served me well and you loved well. My faithful daughter, well done." Nothing else will matter in that moment except if I chose to surrender to Him. A life surrendered to Him is not complicated, although it can often be hard because it leaves no room for pride and stubbornness. A life surrendered to God is led by the Holy Spirit, who is sent to dwell in you when you first believe. It is a life that exists to love God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love others with the same unconditional love He gives you. We're not gonna be perfect and we will all likely lose sight of what really matters sometimes. But we can choose Him even after a day, week, month, year, or decade of choosing other masters. His mercies are new every morning, His Word tells us. He delights in emptying, restoring, and filling a heart that's yearning for Him.

The Future of The Blog
I have several blog posts written and saved but not published for a number of reasons... Lack of time to edit them, fear of what possible readers may think, the timing didn't feel right, sudden loss of desire to be so open and transparent on the world wide web. I have a renewed desire to get caught up and write some new posts though, so it's my goal in the coming days to get the ones that have been frozen in time edited and posted. I think I am even going to put my webcam to good use and make videos instead of writing sometimes.

Lastly...
I decided to share what's below tonight because as I was going through my journal I came across it and thought that it is a much needed truth for everyone, believers and nonbelievers alike.

One thing I have had to battle for a large majority of my twenty-year relationship with God is feeling like I am constantly failing Him. I have always been aware of how holy and good He is and what a screw-up I am. I've always had a vision of the person I want to be, and each year passes and that person is always beyond my reach. I am so thankful for God's kindness, patience, grace, mercy, and love. These truths of who He is have kept me going when I felt like giving up. On February 1st of this year I was feeling particularly guilt-ridden and unworthy of His love. He prompted me to write the following to myself, and I titled it "Unconditional":

I have God's "unconditional" love right here, right now.
Not "when you get your act together" love.
Not "when you stop sinning" love.
Not a love I can earn, or for that matter, ever have taken away from me.
It is freely given, no strings attached love.
I am loved as is.
So what will my response to such a radical love be? 

I am going to embrace it and I'm going to love Him back. I'm going to let Him use me to pour that love out on others. I'm going to worship Him and seek truth through His Word no matter how I'm feeling in order to dispel the lies of the attacker that I am worthy to be guilt-ridden and condemned. What will your response be?

God Amidst the Vomit

I'm back! I'm sorry I haven't written in so long, to those of you that have been checking in. I technically didn't write this time... I just copied and pasted something that I originally wrote in spring 2011 (a couple months before we bought our house) in the wee hours of the morning while Brielle was sick with her first stomach virus. But it is new to you, so I hope you find it worth the time. :) And here we go:

I’m not sure If I am going to be posting this on my blog or if it is just for me and God. I think He wants me to post it, but then I ask why He wants me to post a blog about puke. He says, “Because I’ve told you to.” Yes, God said something that I’m only used to hearing from my Mom, but He did it with the same love and authority that she always did. So just go ahead and navigate away from this if you have a weak stomach. If you decide to continue reading, don’t get mad at me because I am warning you right now that this entry uses words like “puke”, “vomit”, “throw up”, and “mess” (because I got really sick of the other words… no pun intended) probably about 34 to 56 times. If my Mom gets bored enough, she’ll probably go back and count them to see how right or horribly wrong my estimate is.

I am sitting here on the end of the couch in the dark with the cold air from the box fan hitting me and a sick girl on the other end, catching a little sleep between gags. When Brielle woke up puking shortly after 11:30 pm, we originally hoped it was just because the pizza she had for dinner didn’t sit well in her tummy. But after she did it again ten minutes later, my hopes that it was just going to be a one-time occurrence quickly dwindled. “She has her first stomach bug,” I thought to myself with sadness. I think most of you parents out there can testify that having a sick child brings feelings of worry, heartache, and/or helplessness.

I instantly started preparing for a night on the couch with Brielle. I knew sleeping in our bed would not work, because we do not have enough change of sheets and blankets for all the mess that might be coming our way (nor the energy to change them if we did). I told Brett to get some rest in our bed since he has to get up early for work. I grabbed towels, sheets, and pillowcases as he grabbed us a blanket. Just after I started preparing the couch, I turn around to see Brett standing there with his pillow, the box fan that he can’t sleep without, and several more blankets. “What are you doing?” I asked, not expecting to see him. “Well I can’t miss out on this slumber party,” he said with a smile. Brett… he will always find a way to make me smile. It really melted my heart that he chose to be with us. Brielle and I are on the couch and he is on the tile floor, when he could have our big comfy bed all to himself. She was pretty excited about it too, climbing off the couch to join him for a little bit. It was encouraging to see her get up, talk, and smile. But the enjoyment of that moment faded about thirty seconds later when she threw up on him.      

About an hour into this ordeal, with things getting worse, I asked for fellow believers to join me in praying for her via Facebook. I didn’t think many would be up so late, but to my surprise two very sweet friends let me know that they are praying. One of them is rarely up this late, but her daughter woke up for some strange reason so that’s why she was up. Not much later, another sweet friend texted me to let me know that her and her husband were praying for all of us. As I sat and texted with Jess and Jana, I could not help but feel so incredibly thankful for the friends He has placed in my life.

So here I am, almost 3 hours later, smelling like vomit, praying in waves over my daughter, seeking to see Him amidst the exhaustion and pain, and feeling a deep sense of gratitude that He has made sure I do not feel alone. Through His presence and through praying friends, I know that He will work this out, and to Him the glory.

I was lying beside my precious daughter praying in the Spirit, when something that Pastor Chris said in church tonight came barreling into the forefront of my mind. In obedience to what God was speaking to him, he told us that the Holy Spirit was going to anoint some of us over and over tonight, like waves. That we would not be able to sleep and would be woke up from sleep. And we would not have to search for Him because He would be right in front of our faces. We would know He was right there with us. And we would pray in the Spirit. 

After I realized that what Pastor Chris spoke was happening to me, I took a moment to stop praying and tuned my ears into Him, listening for direction. What He said to me was awesome.

“Look at your daughter. Look at yourself. Do you see how tightly you are holding on to her? That is how tightly I am holding you. And guess what? I’m holding her even more tightly than you are. “

He continued: “Do you smell it? The vomit that has soaked your shirt?”

I did not know why He was pointing out the vomit smell. That smell normally makes me so sick that I too end up … you know. But not my daughter’s. It is not pleasant, of course. But as gross as it is, I can handle it simply because it came from her. My daughter.

And I am His daughter. He wore my vomit when He took the beatings, the ridicule, the shame… all a part of the punishment we each deserved, not Him. He wore our vomit when He carried a cross and was crucified on it for sins He did not commit. Like Brielle did not want the illness that created the mess, I do not want to be a child of sin. None of us chose to be born into sin, and Brielle did not choose to be sick. But in both situations, the agitator is there nonetheless.

So even though we are sinners, we must realize that He has chosen to love us anyways. He who knew no sin took on the penalty of sin out of incredible, relentless, pure love for us. For me. For you. For the person we can’t stand the most. For the person we love the most. And He is God, the Creator of everything! Can you imagine the amount of humility it takes for Jesus to take a punishment that we rightfully deserve? He loves us. If we question that love, then we must not fully understand what it’s like to love someone so much you would die for them. That’s exactly what He did for us… only He knew we would struggle with doubt at times, and He knew that even some would choose to spit in His face and curse His name out of unbelief and even anger towards Him. But still, He loves us. I doubt any of us would want to die for someone who did not love us back. One of the million+ reasons He is God and we are not.

So the next time you don’t feel like you are worthy of His sacrifice or love, remember that He has called you worthy because He loves you. Do you deserve it? No. Can you do anything to get to a place to where you do deserve it? No. That is the beauty of it all: We come to Him ashamed of this vomit, this sin, that has taken us over only to lift our eyes from the ground to His face to see that He is looking at us with eyes of fiery love and understanding. Of the mercy to wash us clean and the grace to transform us so that if we mess up again, we are surrendered so He is given full permission to clean us up.

He has already met us in the mess. He felt the sting of its penalty in ways we do not fully know. I’m going to take this truth one more step further: He has CONQUERED the mess. So He has authority over it.   

I think most of us share (or have shared in the past) the need to work things out in our lives before we come to Him. It’s like our vomit is everywhere and we are trying to clean it up, only to throw up even more as we do. But the true picture is that we puked, and when we went to clean it up, Jesus was already there. We bend down with a rag and try to help Him, and He blocks our rag from hitting the floor. “Don’t labor over this, because I’ve already done the work.” We look again, and where the mess was is spotless.

“Our righteousness is as filthy rags” has a new meaning to me now.

Heaven

God asked me the other day, "When you imagine Heaven, what do you think of?" This took me by surprise, because it was totally random and unrelated to anything I was doing or thinking at the time. God likes to speak to me suddenly like that pretty often. It always makes for a good reality check. :)

I am going to put forth an image of Heaven for you. Please imagine this with me:

You arrive and are greeted by family and friends that have arrived before you. In the background, you hear music seemingly in surround sound that does not even begin to compare to your favorite earthly songs because it is so beyond them in beauty and emotion.
Together with your loved ones, you explore the city totally created with the brilliance of flawless, pure gold and breathtaking, costly stones... precious gems and diamonds, all shining forth rays of colors that are too magnificent to describe. No concrete sidewalks or black asphalt streets here. You meet a lot of people and hear really awesome stories about their past.
After exploring, you and your loved ones sit down at a table that is full of the most delicious foods you have ever laid eyes on. The smells of the dishes make your mouth water. You enjoy this great feast with your family and friends, laughing and talking about sweet memories, all the while relieved and elated to know that all the food you are consuming in is not going to add a single inch to your new body's waistline.
After this feast, your loved ones show you their mansions. They then take you to the front doorstep of yours, tell you to enjoy exploring your new eternal home, and they'll see you later for ____________(fill in your favorite hobby/pastime here... sports, movies, etc.). You are in shock at the beauty and intricate design of the home they are telling you is yours. You open the door to find the home of your dreams, except it is far beyond anything you could have ever even imagined existed while you were living on earth. The floor plan, the furniture, the wall colors and flooring, the decor... every single thing is so perfect that you cannot believe it is yours. You sit down in your home, and ponder about what you've experienced. You realize that you haven't seen a single person sick, sorrowful, in pain, or with a bad attitude all day.

If (and this is a HUGE "if", because I by no means claim to know that many of these details are actually accurate) I just accurately described what Heaven would be like for eternity, is this a place you want to go? Did I forget to mention anything else that you personally would need in Heaven to live happily ever after for the eternity?

Did I?

Now forget the image I just gave you. I want to put forth a completely different image of Heaven for you:

You and Jesus... Nothing and nobody else.
No family that you once had when you lived on this earth. No food. No mansions.

Is this a Heaven you could be satisfied to live in for eternity?

Is it?

The good news is that the Bible makes it clear we will not be alone with God in Heaven (there are debates as to whether we will know and recognize loved ones and I stand on the side of the debate that says we will know them), that there will be an amazing feast, and that Jesus is preparing a place for us (read John 14). I cannot even begin to describe how incredible this place is He is preparing, even if I saw it with my own eyes. It is so beyond our comprehension abilities as humans. Our knowledge of God, even when we have been in relationship with Him for many years, is still only a speck in the vast, unending realm of all there is to know about Him. So when Jesus says He is preparing a place for us, this place is going to be so wildly amazing that there truly are no words to describe any of it.

But... If we really, truly, wholeheartedly love God with all that's within us... shouldn't a Heaven with just Him in it be more than enough for us? Shouldn't we agree with the writer of Psalm 16:11 when he proclaims, "In Your presence there is fullness of joy"? Fullness of joy in Him alone. Not Him plus all the good things. Not all the good things plus Him.

The problem is, it seems like on this earthly side of eternity our sinful nature tries to focus our lives on the good things God gives us more than God Himself. And this is such a dangerous place to be, because when we focus more on the good things than we do on God, who is the very Giver of all good things, we are worshipping idols.

When God asked me what I thought of when I imagined Heaven, my heart, soul, and mind in one accord shouted, "JESUS!". Though God has not asked me what I thought when I imagined Heaven before, there was a time not long ago where I would have saw nothing wrong with the first scenario. Those things would have probably first came to mind as I thought of Heaven, and then as a footnote I may have added, "Oh, and it would also be nice to come face to face with You, Jesus." Like an extra bonus or a passing, almost forgettable, detail.

But through the years... through trials and pain and tears and triumphs and seeing Him glorified over and over and over again through it all... I somehow along the way fell so head over heels in love with Him that I am crazily, passionately, madly, insanely in love with God. My holy God who exists in 3 Persons: God the Father, who is Creator... God the Son, who is Jesus- Perfect, Sacrificial Love Personified... And God the Holy Spirit, our Counselor and Helper that Jesus sent us when He went to be with God in Heaven. I will be talking a lot about the Holy Spirit over the next blog post or two (or three or four, who knows) because He is doing mighty great things that I want to shout from the rooftops. And I look forward to sharing these things with you as He leads me to.

My prayer tonight is that when we look inward at the desires of our heart, we can proclaim with full confidence:
"My soul longs for You, my soul longs for You! Nothing else will do, nothing else will do." --(from the song "My Soul Longs for You" by Jesus Culture)

Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. -Galatians 6:8

*******Author's Note: This blog entry is not intended to be considered theologically sound information about Heaven nor to create views of Heaven that are not found in the Bible or provided by the Holy Spirit. I recommend checking out http://www.gotquestions.org/is-Heaven-real.html for some good, Biblical information about the reality of Heaven.*******

Needs

I was thinking tonight about in the Bible where Jesus tells us to pray for whatever we need, and He will answer. Looking back, so many of my unanswered prayers are not about "needs", but rather they are "wants"... and in the culture we live in, it is very easy to think that our "wants" are really "needs". I have learned as I mature in my relationship with Him that God is not a genie for me to spout out my wishes and then rub the lantern, hoping he will grant them for me. Nor is He like a father and me his spoiled child, giving me everything I want and letting me be the center of his world. (Thank God! What kind of God would that be if He let mere humans control Him? Would that be a God worthy of all our praise? If He answered our every request, whether selfish or not, wouldn't we be essentially praising ourselves and He our puppet?)
I think about times where I would go days without acknowledging Him, and then as soon as I had a need arise, I would come running to Him shamelessly asking for help. When I think about treating Him like that now, I have to fight back tears. (And it's not because it's bad to run to God when you have needs, don't misunderstand what I'm saying.)
But it is because my eyes have been opened so widely to the fact that God does not exist to please me...
I exist to please Him. And I am NOTHING without Him.
He is the Potter, I am the clay.
He is the Master, I am the servant.
And when the servant starts feeling like her Master owes her answers to things she knows very little of and He knows everything about, the servant is out of line and shows no respect for or reverent fear of her Master. And this truth is what comes over me when I approach the throne room of God pouring out everything that's on my heart and mind without first taking a moment to think about WHO it is I am talking to. He's the King of all Kings, the Creator, the Everlasting One, the Prince of Peace, the Holy and Almighty God.
Yet, He never tells me to stop making my requests known and He never turns me away, because...
He is my King, and I am His princess.
He is my Daddy, I am His beloved daughter.
So where I deserve to be chastised as a servant out of line, He extends grace... patience... gentleness... LOVE.
He loves us so much. We truly do not know the depth and width of His love, because it knows no boundaries. And I don't want to treat Him poorly, because He has literally given His life up as a sacrifice not only to save me from death but also so that I can enter into a deep, intimate relationship with Him.
I am so glad that when I have thrown tantrums in the middle of life's hurricanes, He has gripped me tightly and whispered in my ear, "I know what I am doing. Just watch and see. Trust Me." And over and over again, He proves to me that He is worthy to be trusted. Not only that, but He is worthy to be praised. He is worthy to be placed as Ruler of my heart, my soul... my life.
So I wrestled with whether to post my prayer from earlier tonight, and I've decided to do it.

I don't need to ask You for more money... but I do need You to give me wisdom on how to use what You've entrusted to us.


I don't need to ask for a new car... but I need the one I have to be dependable and not become a financial burden.


I don't need the trendiest clothes... but I do need my clothes I have to do what they were created to do: Cover me well - preferably without losing shape or fraying or shrinking or getting stained.


I don't need good health... but I need to know that You will use me- in my seasons of sickness and health- for Your glory.


I don't need answers as to why You let bad things happen on this earth... but I need to know I am doing my part to be a beacon of light and hope amidst the darkness and despair. I need to know I am giving - my time, my service, my resources, my prayers - the way You want me to.


I don't need to see You to believe (though I look forward to looking into your eyes one glorious day)... I need to know You see and believe in me. Because I see evidence of Your mighty hand at work everywhere I look: The sunset, the clouds, plants, creatures, people... they all were created to speak of Your glory.


I don't need the American dream... I need the God reality. While the American dream focuses on love of self, God reality focuses on love of Him and others. In eternity, I will never regret not having a bigger home or higher paying job or a fancy SUV with stick figures on the back windshield of my perfect traditional family unit. But I will regret letting stuff take my attention off of You. I want to be eternity-focused God, not earthly-focused. Let any stuff in my life be used for You or take it away.


I don't need a 4.0 GPA... but I need to be keenly aware that when I am in school I am still to be representing You. (Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men. -Colossians 3:23)


I don't need to feel accepted by others... just as long as I am living exactly as You desire me to. You have accepted me despite knowing everything about me- the good, the bad, the ugly. Since You - the Creator of the UNIVERSE and everything in it! - accepts me as I am, who else do I need to gain acceptance from?


I don't need a smooth, as-painless-as-possible future... because I know that You hold my future in Your hands. You are already there. When trials come, You stand as my strong fortress, ready to show me Your plans and purposes amidst the pain. And You are more than enough for me.


I don't need to plan out every possible detail of my future... because I trust You, and look forward to walking out every single day of my life with You.

The next time you are approaching God in prayer, take a moment to stop and think about who He is and what He's already done for you. He already knows you inside and out. He watches over you as you sleep and eat and work and play. He knows what is on your heart and mind before you even speak a word. So be real with Him, but try not to be the spoiled kid that wants to rule the universe. And if He says no, don't get mad... Trust Him, because He is a perfect, holy Father and He knows best.

Confessions of a Facebookaholic

So, it’s June 30 and it’s the last day that I’m allowing myself to get on Facebook for awhile, for reasons I will talk about in a minute. But first, let me update you about my plans for this blog. As God works on putting to death the desires of my flesh so that I can grow in knowledge of and relationship with Him, I am going to do a lot of my journaling on here. I love to write down my talks with God, and while most of them remain private, I know there will be several things He shows me during my day-to-day walk that will be good for me to write about on here. I also love to share new things He reveals to me in hopes that you can benefit from it as well. One of the reasons I haven’t blogged a lot is because I don’t have a whole lot of “free time”, but when I do it has usually been spent on Facebook.

Ok, so here is where a series of embarrassing confessions begin. Sigh.

Sometimes I actually MAKE free time to check my Facebook when this “free time” I speak of really doesn’t technically exist. For example: at red lights, in checkout lines, while cooking and waiting for the water to boil, at night while I should be sleeping. (Don’t judge me!) I justify it by saying I am speaking into people’s lives and desiring to be a light in the darkness. After all, I don’t typically use Facebook to keep everyone updated about every detail of my day. I don’t play any of the games on Facebook and I don’t spend a lot of time going through everyone’s stuff. I like casually browsing through the newsfeed, talking with family and close friends, e-mailing, and I love writing comments/posting on people’s walls. Sounds pretty harmless, right? I’ve thought so for a couple years now. And now lately I’m thinking… I’m in trouble.

I’m afraid to tell you why, because I don’t want to be judged. But the truth is, if most people that frequent Facebook daily were honest, they are in my boat. Maybe you are in my boat? Either way, I'll tell ya why:

I am in trouble because I haven’t hungered for God day-to-day as much as I have hungered for Facebook. Therefore, Facebook has been an idol in my life. An idol is anything we place before God. Anything that we crave or love or think we need more than we crave, love, and need God. Now, I have tried justifying this in a variety of ways. Want to hear how? Sure ya do.

“It’s not an idol, God… if someone placed a gun to my head and told me they’d shoot me if I told them I love You, I’d get shot! But if they told me they’d shoot me if I told them I love Facebook?! That would never happen.”

“God, it’s not an idol! I don’t worship it, I don’t live for it.”

"I think about you nonstop, God. You know this."

And to my justifications, He gently asks…

“Do you carry around your Bible everywhere, hungry to open it up and read it whether you’re at a red light or walking to class or waiting in the checkout line? Do you keep your Bible close by while you cook? Do you hunger for what's in My Living Word like you hunger to read what's in your newsfeed?”

OUCH.

Do you see how satan works? He deceives us and wants us to use a voice of logic or reasoning with God or ourselves to justify our sin. (Go back to my paragraph about "making free time" and you can hear me trying to defend myself even there.) He’ll do anything he can to keep us from the God who is offering us unconditional love and eternal life… but it does cost us something if we accept God’s offer:

Then Jesus said to them all: "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me.” -Luke 9:23

“Deny himself” doesn’t mean do whatever you want as long as it makes you feel good. It doesn’t mean that you are in charge to do what you feel is best. It doesn't mean God is in agreement with you just because you've decided something is harmless. It is the opposite of "Justify yourself" or "Defend yourself". It means to turn away from your will and to follow Christ’s will for your life. And this is so hard for all of us at any point in time because we like to be in control of our lives and everything in them and we tend to be very stubborn creatures. I have yet to meet anyone who is willing to admit without hesitation when they’re wrong. Heck, I rarely meet people who will even consider that there is a chance that they might be wrong.

But here's the game changer: We were bought with a price… the very blood of Jesus Christ. So we cannot say we accept that sacrifice and we want to take up our cross daily if we aren’t willing to make Him Lord over our every single day-to-day choices, such as how we spend our free time. Such as how we spend our money (which, in reality, is His. Everything you own is His if He is your God... therefore I guess you don't really own anything but rather things have been entrusted to you to use for His glory). He is Lord over our entire lives when we accept Him. No detail goes untouched or unnoticed to Him. He's supposed to be our God 24 hours a day, not just when we decide to pray or worship or read our Bibles or go to church.

Yall might think I’m crazy, that I’ve went off the deep end, that I’m too radical or take God’s Word too seriously, and that’s fine. You aren’t the first, nor will you be the last. I'm not giving up Facebook or seeking to follow His commandments because I feel like I have to. I am doing these things because I LOVE my Savior, my Creator... and it's about time I do a better job of proving it. When I ask myself, "Why don't I desire to pull out my Bible in the free moments? Where is my hunger to know Him more?", I can't come up with a good excuse. I'm left face-to-face with the fact that I choose distractions over my First Love. I've heard it said that the Bible is the best love story ever written, and it's so true. The Creator in love with His creation. The Holy Blameless One taking on the penalty of a shameful death so that the sinner can have new life in Him and they can spend eternity together. The Father whose heart beats, "I love you. I love you. I love you."

I love reading my Bible- it is packed with exciting, awesome, awe-inspiring revelations of God... Who He is, what's He like, what's He hate and love, what He expects and desires from us that He created, and so on. And He will reveal those things to me more and more, if only I will change my mindset from only reading my Bible during quiet time to needing His Word like I need my next breath.

So here’s where I stand with Facebook: It didn’t die for me out of sacrificial, amazing love. It never satisfies me for more than the moments I’m on, because it doesn’t fit rightly in the places of my heart, mind, and soul that were made solely for God. I don’t want to stand before God after I die and try to explain why I spent so much time soaking up media, chasing after things because the need we all feel to be entertained. This is the same realization that made me give up watching tv a couple years ago, but if I’m gonna be honest I probably spend almost as much time on Facebook as I used to spend watching “my shows”.

Please don’t get me wrong- Facebook itself is not evil. I have seen a lot of good take place because of Facebook: Friends and family are able to stay in touch that would've otherwise never been able to, testimonies are shared, people are encouraged, and the Gospel is being preached. I’m thinking when Matthew wrote, “this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come (ch. 24 v. 14)” that he had no idea God was going to use such a widespread, easily accessible thing like Facebook as one pathway to telling the world about Jesus.

But when Facebook finds a place of importance in our day-to-day lives and sucks away precious minutes or hours that we will never get back, it is evil. Or when we find ourselves judging others for their pictures or posts, it is evil. Or when we slip into jealousy of someone’s vacation or material possessions or their seemingly perfect life, it is evil. When we post pictures or update our statuses with the hidden agenda of wanting for someone to envy us, it is evil. There is good, and there is evil. Contrary to popular belief, there is no gray area in between.

That being said, after I come back to Facebook in August, I know I’m going to have to limit my time to 5 minutes each night, all of which will be used to communicate and not to see what everyone else has going on (unless babies are born… I’m a sucker for babies). I trust that if we are friends or family, you will call or text or e-mail me if there's something going on in your life that you want to share with me. Some of you may think I’m crazy because either you don’t even feel the need to check your Facebook every day or because there’s no way you could get all your Facebooking done in 5 minutes. Either way, I just want to challenge you to analyze how you spend your time each day. How much time is spent on ________, and how much time is spent pursuing the God who pursues you?

A Heavy Heart and Sea Turtles

With all the drama that unfolded today as a possible government shutdown loomed over this country, my heart and head were bombarded with so much. And, because writing helps me sort out the chaos within me, I will write.

It took a lot of googling and digging through articles to figure out why President Obama was so against the bill that Congress had decided on to ensure at least the military will stay funded so those that keep this country safe would receive a paycheck. After finding out that Obama was mad about de-funding Planned Parenthood (an organization notorious for supporting abortions in the event of unwanted pregnancies) attached to the bill, I got so angry that I could've punched something. What made me even angrier was to see so many comments from pro-choicers talking about how appalled they are that abortion is considered killing babies. One girl wrote how she had no regrets about her abortion because it was an embryo and not even called a fetus yet so therefore it was nowhere near "becoming" a baby at the time of her abortion. My eyes welled up with tears as I came face-to-face with how deceived and disillusioned from the truth that so many are. I cannot figure out how anyone cannot make the connection between an embryo, fetus, and a baby. If fetuses sometimes produced babies but sometimes produced trees or plants or some other organism, maybe- just MAYBE- could their arguments hold some far-off validity. But, alas, embryos and fetuses are already babies. They have human cells, they have blood, they have a heartbeat, their sex has already been determined in their DNA, and they will not grow into anything else but humans.

Yesterday, Brett was watching Disney's documentary about ocean life, adequately titled "Ocean". I was excited as I sat down to join him because I love seeing how creative our Maker is in the billions of different species He crafted. Though I understand that God created animals to eat other animals – and, in turn often be eaten - I still don't like to watch it happen. It wasn't long into this movie that the feasting began. Different types of fish eating other fish, a lobster fighting with and killing a crab, birds diving into the water and eating fish, plants eating fish, fish that look like rocks eating fish, sharks eating seals… it seemed like I couldn't watch in peace and just marvel at the Creator without being faced with the (sometimes gruesome) reality of the food chain every 2 minutes or less. Just as I was about to stop watching, the frame switches to baby sea turtles hatching.

I remembered hearing many years ago that one reason sea turtles are endangered is because so many of the babies don't survive the trip from the nest to the ocean. So, as the camera zooms in on sea turtles heading out of their underground haven and towards the ocean, I knew that inevitably some of them were about to get eaten as hundreds of birds swarmed overhead. But I could not pull my eyes away because they were so stinkin cute. Aside from puppies and kittens, baby sea turtles are the cutest little animal babies.

The smile on my face at the sight of the cute little turtles quickly fell flat. Not only did the birds start snatching up the baby turtles as they moved with all their might towards the ocean, but they did it relentlessly. They swooped down so fast and grabbed them so tightly with their claws that if you blinked you would not be able to tell if they successfully grabbed one or not. As the camera moved to an aerial view, the turtles looked like they were disappearing into thin air off the sand. I wanted to look away but I felt that tugging of the Holy Spirit to pay attention. The turtles were using all their effort and undoubtedly focusing solely on that ocean, their cute little flippers moving as fast as they could. I hated seeing the first ones get snatched up as soon as they came out of the underground nest, but it hurt even more to see those that made it to where the waves meet the sand only to feel the cool ocean water and then be snatched away.

The last few seconds of this part of the movie showed one sea turtle make it to a deeper part of the ocean after narrowly escaping the claws of birds diving after it. I looked at Brett, shocked to see only one tiny turtle on the screen after just watching hundreds of them come out of the ground at the beginning of the scene. "Surely that's not the only one that survived, is it??" And then the narrator answered my question, as if he heard me ask. He says something like, "Only 1 in 1000 baby sea turtles survive." 999 out of 1000 sea turtles get eaten en route to the ocean. This number made my jaw drop wide open.

Brett likes to joke that I am the ideal spokeswoman for PETA because I am a softie for animals (usually cats and dogs). It is wrong that PETA believes animals should be treated just like humans, and would never ever EVER consider myself in agreement with them. But my mind started whirling with what I had just seen and I thought: All of the camera crew were around but they didn't do anything about it! I know they needed that footage of what happens without intervention… but how could they just sit back and let all those cute little sea turtles die?! Especially when they are endangered! Then I thought about God, the very Creator of every single one of those innocent baby turtles. Who happens to also be the Creator of those birds, who were hunting how they were created to hunt.

I saw so much significance in what I witnessed. And tonight I see even more. My first 2 points are what God showed me yesterday during and after that scene, with the 3^rd point being what He gave me tonight.

1. Because He is all-knowing, God knew the very moment each of those turtles' lives would end. Even as He put each of their lives into motion, He knew it would be over soon. I don't think He was tormented over this, because He knew the birds needed fed. Not one bird dies outside of the will of God (see Matt. 10:29), and this holds true for any living creation.

I know that it is not God's will for humans to die of starvation, accidents, disease… the list could go on. But while satan roams this earth, he is a destroyer and will use these tools of destruction to try to create confusion about the goodness of God, make people question God's authority, and most of all try to nullify the credibility (and power) of God's love for us. Meanwhile, God promises that He can take every possible thing satan throws at us and turn it around for our good, for His glory and purposes if we love Him (see Romans 8:28). My Pastor said something a couple months ago that resonated in me: God's perfect will is different from God's permissive will. God's perfect will involves a life of no suffering, no pain, none of the awful stuff that entered this world when sin did. But God's permissive will holds us up in that, while He hates satan and all that satan does to us (we ARE His beloved, whom He loves with zeal and intensity), He purposes to use the hardships to mold us and give us opportunity to prove our faith (trust) in Him genuine while also giving us incredible joy and peace that surpassing understanding. Our human minds cannot wrap around just how endless His love and devotion are to us… even when His ways are often so incredibly mysterious. So, whatever you face, place all your faith (which is trust) and hope in Him. His Word makes it clear that 1) we will have hardships in this life and 2) God is love. No matter what, He is good and worthy of praise. And He loves YOU, even when you don't feel worthy. (None of us are worthy in our own strength!) We gotta be like that little turtle who beat the odds and made it to the ocean. We can't let satan's demises hinder us from pressing on with our eyes on that finish line: Eternity with God in an incredible place He is preparing for us! If that little turtle would have stopped and looked up or if it focused on the danger it was in, there's no way it would have reached its goal. We gotta take the magnifying glass off our circumstances and place it on our God!

2. Just as He orchestrated the beginning and ending of the turtles' lives, so has He done the same with ours. We are INFINTELY more valuable to Him than animals. So precious, so cherished, so loved that He humbled Himself and sent His Son to take on all our sin, shame… our punishment. He did not deserve to pay our penalty. But He did, because He knew that we cannot save ourselves and we can try to follow His commandments but we will fail without His power to make us conquerors. He did not want to lose us for eternity because of sin. He does not desire that ANYONE go to Hell! But because of His holiness, He must be just and He must give each the righteous punishment. But now we have the blood of Jesus to cover us. So that when I stand before Him, He will not see my sin because the sacrifice was made and MY punishment was paid in full by His Son! So at the beginning of my life and at the end, and every day in between, my soul knows without a doubt that God has created me for His glory and for His purposes.

Our days our numbered. To live like they are not is foolishness. So are we supposed to "make the most of them" by living how our sinful self desires? Of course not. The blood of Jesus covers those who repent and accept Christ into their lives, but to know of Him and yet not surrender still leads to Hell. I do not seek to keep His commandments to earn salvation. I seek to keep them because I owe Him my everything. Being a slave to Him instead of a slave to sin is the most freeing, joyful, enjoyable life. I don't want to regret the way I lived when I stand before God and have to give an account for my choices. I don't want any of us to. Just as surely as our bodies had a birth date, we all have an expiration date. Please do not waste a single day in between. I screw up a lot- we all do- but there is grace, forgiveness, acceptance, and (praise God!) the promise that He can transform us each day to live more and more like He desires us to.

My last point is very heavy and undoubtedly "controversial".

3. Tonight, those sea turtles represented babies at the time of conception. (That 999 of 1000 babies would be aborted is obviously not realistic- thank You God- but right now 4,000 are aborted every day {an average of 1 every 20 seconds}… and each one of these precious babies is infinitely more valuable to God than turtles). Tonight, the birds did not represent God's creation but satan, using doctors and day-after pills and pro-choice politicians and businesses to snatch away the lives of these babies who are only looking to glorify God with their lives (seeing as, even though sin is in their DNA, they are still at the age of innocence and we all know our purpose is to glorify Him with our lives until sin convinces us otherwise). And we are the camera crew. Some of us that hate abortion may talk about how wrong it is, just as I imagine some of the crew (especially if that included any softies like me) may have talked about how sad it was to see those baby turtles try so hard and then die, even though the odds of surviving were against them from the start. Some watch the birds (satan) and agree with their actions. And yet, through it all, God is still God. I know without a doubt that abortion breaks His heart exponentially more than it breaks mine. It is very personal to Him. Each child He makes I imagine with angry tears flowing down His holy face knowing they won't breathe their first breath before satan takes their life away- but also knowing even beyond that that He's conquered satan and satan's days are numbered.

I don't care who I offend- I have to voice truth. There is a holy and just God that will punish those that do not repent from evil and put their trust in Jesus Christ and submit to the Holy Spirit. And, while I am angry at those that kill these babies, my heart hurts that their lack of wisdom or absence of reverent fear of God will send them to an eternity in Hell if they do not repent and turn from the wickedness. I think too many walk around jaded, thinking that they can either talk their way out of Hell after they come face-to-face with God in death. Or that God is so loving and merciful that He won't send them to Hell because they are essentially a "good person". I think even Christians forget God is just and will judge each one of us not according to our standards but according to His holy commands (which are NOT merely suggestions… and I'm not referring necessarily to the Ten Commandments, although God still expects us to keep them. But Jesus tells us in Luke 10:27 that He brings two new commandments, from which all other commandments will automatically be satisfied if just these two are followed: 1) Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. 2) Love others as yourself). Who God is and what He expects from us has been misrepresented a lot because the American church has shifted from fire-and-brimstone preaching to the grace-and-blessings Gospel. Without His grace, we'd all be going to Hell; but to ignore the wages of sin is to deem Christ's sacrifice on the cross as unnecessary.

God, words cannot express my gratitude for Your love. Your sacrifice, so precious and yet we're so unworthy. Yet even still, You have called us worthy. Help us in these final days to walk in love while being bold in our faith and in obedience to You. Awaken this nation, lift the veil from the eyes of the ones under the enemy's deception and lies. Draw us nearer to You, stir up a hunger for Your Word and a desire to live out every single day for You. Mighty Father, I pray YOUR WILL be done in this nation, NOT satan's! Raise up a people that will call out unto You for this nation and for those that don't know You. Raise up worshipers, that every word out of our mouth, every thought, and every action be done out of worship for You. You are God, You will get Your glory even if the rocks have to cry out. Be glorified in this nation, Jesus. You have shown infinite, undeserved mercy. I am sorry that this nation has turned its back on You. I weep with You, Holy Spirit, as thousands of Your fearfully and wonderfully made babies are taken from their mothers' wombs in the name of "women's rights". God, have Your way in me and in my country. I love You, and I am forever thankful for all that You've done and continue to do. Thank You for calling me Your beloved daughter. Let my life shine for You. You are so worthy, Amen.