Surrendered

I started this blog a little over three years ago with the intentions of using it as a raw, honest expression of what's happening in my mind and heart as I walk (and sometimes run... and sometimes sit down alongside...) this adventurous road of following Christ, this unique path He has laid before me. By doing this I was also hopeful that I could encourage others and reveal truths through my posts as God leads me, and I still am. Another reason for this blog is because I think it is a good way for my children, when they are teenagers and older, to get a glimpse of things that went on in my personal relationship with God as I was raising them. They will see me live out my faith every day as children and teenagers, and I think it will add another dimension to how well they know me by seeing what I wrote about my faith along the way.

I'm not sure if I ever explained the title and website URL for this blog. I guess the title "Meditations of My Heart" is pretty self-explanatory though. Each writing is from my heart, things that I find myself intensely reflecting (meditating) on. Sometimes those things are about myself, sometimes they are about things happening in the world all around me. I chose the URL "desireesurrendered" because it is a truth that challenges me daily and defines who I am. To surrender is to give oneself up or abandon oneself into the power of another. I surrendered my life to God as a child and it is something I must do daily because if I don't then I am in danger of slipping into disobedience and becoming distracted of my purpose for living.

Shall we sin because we live not under Law but under God's favor and mercy? Certainly not! Do you not know that if you continually surrender yourselves to anyone to do his will, you are the slaves of him whom you obey, whether that be to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience which leads to righteousness (right doing and right standing with God)? But thank God, though you were once slaves on fin, you have become obedient with all your heart to the standard of teaching in which you were instructed and to which you were committed. -Romans 6:15-17 (Amplified version)

We all are surrendered to something, or someone, every single day of our lives. If I continually surrender myself to God's will for my life, I am led to loving Him, loving others His way, and obedience that takes me into deeper levels of closeness with Him. But if I choose my way as led by my sinful nature, I become a slave to things that lead me to death. I've been surrendered to both, and my experience has taught me that I am a fool to choose to surrender to anything or anyone but God. His inherent goodness, faithfulness, and profound love overwhelm me.

I surrendered to Jesus Christ once twenty years ago, ensuring my eternity with the One who loved me so much that He chose to take the punishment for my sin and remove my shame. Through faith in Him I can say with confident joy that I am a beloved daughter of the one true God.

Now I am fighting to surrender to God every day, because the enemy is very much just that: my enemy (synonymous with attacker, opponent, adversary). He voraciously wants me to surrender to him, to money, to beauty, to media, to fitness, to laziness, to approval of man, to career, to ANYTHING that will distract me from my allegiance to Christ. Because a believer actively surrendered to God alone is a mighty dangerous threat to the powers of hell.

My writings on here have been scarce, largely because I was overwhelmed with the long season of life I found myself in. It feels so freeing to currently be unemployed and (finally) out of college. I have an abundance of time on my hands, and I feel the weight of the responsibility to learn how to use it well. May each moment of every day be spent for the glory of God. Whether I am at the park or pool with Brielle, hanging out with friends new and old, doing laundry and cleaning house, cooking, writing, serving, whatever it is... my hunger and desire is to keep my eyes on Him all the time. I could care less about anything this world has to offer; I just want Him. I long for the day that I see Him face to face. I imagine a smile across His face as His eyes of love speak of the delight He has in me. I want to hear Him say through that smile, "Well done. You served me well and you loved well. My faithful daughter, well done." Nothing else will matter in that moment except if I chose to surrender to Him. A life surrendered to Him is not complicated, although it can often be hard because it leaves no room for pride and stubbornness. A life surrendered to God is led by the Holy Spirit, who is sent to dwell in you when you first believe. It is a life that exists to love God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love others with the same unconditional love He gives you. We're not gonna be perfect and we will all likely lose sight of what really matters sometimes. But we can choose Him even after a day, week, month, year, or decade of choosing other masters. His mercies are new every morning, His Word tells us. He delights in emptying, restoring, and filling a heart that's yearning for Him.

The Future of The Blog
I have several blog posts written and saved but not published for a number of reasons... Lack of time to edit them, fear of what possible readers may think, the timing didn't feel right, sudden loss of desire to be so open and transparent on the world wide web. I have a renewed desire to get caught up and write some new posts though, so it's my goal in the coming days to get the ones that have been frozen in time edited and posted. I think I am even going to put my webcam to good use and make videos instead of writing sometimes.

Lastly...
I decided to share what's below tonight because as I was going through my journal I came across it and thought that it is a much needed truth for everyone, believers and nonbelievers alike.

One thing I have had to battle for a large majority of my twenty-year relationship with God is feeling like I am constantly failing Him. I have always been aware of how holy and good He is and what a screw-up I am. I've always had a vision of the person I want to be, and each year passes and that person is always beyond my reach. I am so thankful for God's kindness, patience, grace, mercy, and love. These truths of who He is have kept me going when I felt like giving up. On February 1st of this year I was feeling particularly guilt-ridden and unworthy of His love. He prompted me to write the following to myself, and I titled it "Unconditional":

I have God's "unconditional" love right here, right now.
Not "when you get your act together" love.
Not "when you stop sinning" love.
Not a love I can earn, or for that matter, ever have taken away from me.
It is freely given, no strings attached love.
I am loved as is.
So what will my response to such a radical love be? 

I am going to embrace it and I'm going to love Him back. I'm going to let Him use me to pour that love out on others. I'm going to worship Him and seek truth through His Word no matter how I'm feeling in order to dispel the lies of the attacker that I am worthy to be guilt-ridden and condemned. What will your response be?