Apples

My Dad went with Brielle and me to northeast Tennessee last weekend to visit family. Dad packed all kinds of healthy food for the trip, and after we had been there two days I asked him if he had any apples left. He handed me one, and I instantly began examining it.

Stupid OCD tendencies.

Some of you may be able to relate, and some of you may think I’m crazy, but I am very particular about fruit (among many other things). When I go grocery shopping, selecting fruit is laborious to me because I insist on looking at every single one of my options and choosing the most flawless pieces. I don't know why, and I hate that I waste so much time examining fruit. Though I am getting better, I still have people look at me like I am crazy as I circle the banana display over and over and over again, picking up a bundle of them to check their underside and then putting them back. I typically walk away in defeat, but on occasion I end up leaving with a perfect bundle of bananas.

So instantly I notice that this apple Dad handed me is covered in bruises. Holding it with my right hand, I began pushing on the bruises with my thumb. “Dad, I can’t eat this one, it’s all bruised. I think it’s bad.” He snatches it from me, and, with his eyebrows furrowed in true Dad fashion, looks at it. “No, it’s not bad, it’s a good apple. Watch, I’ll peel it for you.”

When anyone in my family thinks about Dad’s eating habits, they probably instantly think of his love for fruit. Dad makes the best fruit salads ever. There is nothing special about the ingredients he uses… He peels and cuts up apples and oranges, then will add blueberries, canteloupe, watermelon, strawberries, or bananas if they are around. The typical Dad fruit salad as I was growing up was simply apples and oranges, with a splash of orange juice. I consider my Dad a fruit expert. My most successful fruit shopping trip was when I met Dad at Sam's one day and he picked out all my fruit for me and all I had to do was pay the cashier at check-out.

He took a knife and proceeded to quickly and skillfully peel the apple. Into the trash went the bruised, imperfect outer layer. I took a seat beside him as he sliced it. He handed me the first piece. I looked at it and, to my surprise, saw no evidence of the bruises. I tasted it. It was juicy, crisp, and sweet. I hate being wrong - but I was wrong. I misjudged the apple. I was certain it would be no good. Little did I know what God was about to reveal to me through my experience with this apple.

The following verse came to mind as I munched on some more apple pieces and thought about how wrong I was:

"God does not see as humans see. Humans look at outward appearances, but the LORD looks into the heart." -1 Samuel 16:7

All at once I start thinking about what this apple symbolized. It could teach me a lesson in not judging others by their appearance, as the verse above also could also show me. But what I felt God was showing me in that moment was not about my misjudging of the apple, but about my misjudging of me. I am that apple.

Like virtually every other human being, I am bruised. I have failures, I have disappointed others (and myself), I have been disappointed in others, I have weak spots that sometimes get pushed on much like my thumb pushed on the bruises on the skin of that apple. I struggle often with feeling not good enough to deserve God's love and mercy. Sometimes I get so focused on trying to please Him in my own strength that I crash and burn. Over and over and over again.

But the whole time, He is saying, "I see your heart. I know your love for Me and your desire to please Me. More importantly, I need you to know My love for YOU." I don't know what you or anyone else thinks when they see me. If someone sees me in a spiritually weak moment, they may label me a hypocrite. If someone sees me in a spiritually strong moment, they may label me as thinking I am holier-than-thou. But the whole point is: It does not matter. It does not matter what anyone else thinks of me. It does not matter what I think of me. We are all unreliable sources when it comes to evaluating ourselves and our stance with God. Because only He knows our hearts. He knows our hearts better than our spouses, best friends, coworkers, family members... and ourselves. And because of this, He is the ONLY ONE that has the right to judge us.

"I need you to know My love for YOU." I have two things written on my bathroom mirror that go along with this truth. "Never forget your worth." and "A new day! Don't waste it." A wasted day to me is a day in which I rely on myself or others more than I rely on God. A wasted day is whenever I allow satan to use myself or others to beat me up, drag me down, and hold me back from My Savior's plans and purposes. A day NOT wasted is one in which I place all my confidence in Christ, I embrace His love for me, and I allow Him to use me for His glory no matter what comes my way that day. On any given day, I can live a purposeful life. It's not a twelve step process or something that I have to work hard to attain. We can never do anything to earn good graces with God. If we could, His Son's death on the cross would have been in vain. Every single day is an opportunity to serve our Maker.

You see, He doesn't want us to fix our flaws before we follow Him. He wants us to follow Him just as we are, and along the way He will fix the flaws that need fixed. If satan can make us stick to the mentality that one day we will overcome the things we struggle with- be it temptations, bondage, addictions, doubt, regret, [enter your struggle here]- and THEN we will be able to enter into relationship with God, then he can make us waste our whole lives looking to a day that never comes. We will be bruised apples, and we will start rotting. Because we can't peel ourselves to reveal the greatness within; Our Heavenly Daddy has to take his knife (the Word of God- the Bible) and start peeling away all the wrong attitudes, mindsets, habits, and ways of life. It is a painful process, because it involves dropping pride and throwing ourselves into the arms of grace. It involves admitting to Him that we cannot do it on our own, though we try. But I am making the decision to go through the pain of letting Him mold me and change me, because it will be far less painful then looking back at the end of my life and realizing that I was too stubborn to be used by Him.

If you can relate to this, know that I am praying for us. I am praying that God give us supernatural wisdom and insight into who He is, what He wants to change, and what He wants to do with us. It's our job to dig into His Word, which will build our faith instead of letting it stagnate. It's our job to be active in relationships with other true believers and a church home. And it's our job to wake up every morning saying, "Not my will today Lord, but yours. Use me for Your glory, no matter the cost."

**Side note: It's been a while since my last post. Anyone who knows anything about my life right now knows that I am a very busy person with obligations pulling me five different ways. But in an effort to spend more time blogging, which I love, I am going to try to keep my posts shorter than they have started out as. Some may be longer, but I'm going to do my best to abbreviate my thoughts. I hope to encourage you and be used by Him to reveal valuable truths in this endeavor.