Transparency

“I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.” –Jesus, in John 8:12

God, you are everything to me. When I am burdened and my heart is heavy, I hear you say, “Cast your cares upon Me, because I care for you.” When I worship you, I feel You smiling. When I can’t shut my mind off and confusion sets in, I hear You say, “Be still and know that I am God.” The enemy seeks to tear me down by throwing in my face every single shortcoming and failure I possess. But You consume me with Your unfailing love and never-ending grace and accept me as I am. For so long, I have searched for You and tried to be more like You in my own strength. But You are teaching me that in my weakness, You are strong. You have shown me that my righteousness is as filthy rags, so if I feel like I deserve anything because I am an essentially “good person,” then I need to fall to my face before You and let You show me that the only good in me comes from You. For me to be Your instrument, I have to be humbled and broken. And how else would I become that way if it were not through suffering and tension in my life? Indeed, this is why I as a believer should “consider it an opportunity for great joy when troubles come your way (James 1:2).” Does a prideful or self-reliant man depend on God? No, he depends on himself alone, and in addition only seeks to please himself. I am disgusted when I remember how selfish I have been for most of my life. You have grown me so much, and I praise You for revealing to me that there is so much more to life than what this world tries to tell me. “It’s all about you,” the world says. “Love money! Gain material possessions! Seek comfort, pursue happiness! Spend so much time obsessing over your outward body that you starve the only part of you that will live forever- your soul.” The problem with the world’s way of thinking is that it leaves no room for You. I, born of sinful nature yet purposed by You to rise above it, am urged to put myself as center of the universe and judge everything according to how I feel instead of how You feel. I am eternally grateful that You have shown me how You want me to live, and I will never stop running the race no matter how many times I stumble and skin my knees. You command that I love You with all my soul, mind, and strength. Show me every day in every moment how to love You more, with all that I am. I will not be satisfied until I awake in Your likeness. I owe you everything, because You gave your all to pay my debt on the cross.

As I start this journey this summer to truly dig into Your word like never before and study it as the most important book I will ever lay eyes on, I ask that You give me wisdom and understanding. I understand that my relationship with You will not always be emotional, warm fuzzies all the time. But I am not seeking a spiritual high that is founded on emotions. I am seeking spiritual truths that I so desperately crave. I am seeking to know You beyond what is humanly possible. I am often frustrated when I don’t feel like You are using me for Your purposes… but I know that I am the only one to blame. Any distance between You and me at any point in my life is a direct result of: 1) my unwillingness to surrender everything and let You have Your way in me (aka, pride and stubbornness), and 2) laziness… choosing to not put forth the effort it takes to grow in my walk with You, but instead give other meaningless things that attention that only You deserve. Every good relationship on this earth takes time, effort, and attention. How foolish are we believers to think that our relationship with You is not worthy of these three things that are so crucial? Teach me to surrender all my time, effort, and attention to You.

I will not wear a mask.

To anyone reading my blog… I teased you by starting this blog in March, with no clear direction of what I was going to write about. I know now that it is going to be a real life blog, one of brutal honesty about the person I am and things revealed to me as I study my Bible and other materials. When I wrote the above prayer, it was with no intentions of sharing it with anyone, much less the world wide web. But I felt the Holy Spirit lead me to, and I won't ignore Him. I know this blog will ultimately be a testimony of God’s transforming power in this flawed believer who loves, fears, and seeks Him. I know He will use life experiences to be glorified in me and to grow my faith. I have struggled with what some people may think or say if I write transparently for all to see. But, I have finally reached a point where I’m not concerned about what anyone thinks but my Heavenly Father. In addition, I won’t pretend to have all the answers or have the perfect life, because both of those things are deceitful. Life is hard, life is often not fair, but that does not make life any less beautiful or God any less worthy of praise. We must not forget that there is so much more to God than only what we see or experience. We have the great opportunity to follow Jesus, with the power of the Holy Spirit to help us in every way, and live a life far more awesome than we could have ever imagined no matter what we face. I hope my life will prove that to be true, and I hope He uses me in ways I will not know about until I get to Heaven so that I will never be tempted to take credit when all the credit belongs to Him.

A Disclaimer and Some History

Well, I’ve finally done it. I’ve started this blog that I’ve thought about doing for several months now. I don’t know why I haven’t made the time to do it earlier. I think it’s been two things: 1.) Staying too busy with school and work, and 2.) Fear… fear that I won’t update it regularly, fear of how I’ll be viewed by those who know me and read what I say, and fear of it not “succeeding” in the blog world. Funny thing, I'll be sharing something I wrote last year about the paralyzing effects of fear by the end of this blog.

Anyways, I don’t know what I’ll write in the coming weeks and months or who my reading audience is, but I am not going to make excuses anymore. If you are reading my blog, then you must be curious as to what I want to say. Maybe you will agree with me on most topics, and maybe you will disagree with me on every single one. So consider this a disclaimer: Just as I have the choice to blog, you have the choice to read it. Please don’t leave any nasty comments. I will delete them and I will continue writing. Also don’t leave any comments in attempt to debate with me or make me change my view on anything. Maybe one day I’ll choose to carry on debates, but for now I am using this site to journal whatever is laid on my heart. Some of you may be surprised at the things I share, while others may think they are typical Desiree thoughts.

As most of my blogs will be about my walk with God, I will be the first to tell you that I am not a Bible scholar and I, by NO means, feel like I am any holier than the next believer. I am not perfect. Nor will I ever be, until I am standing in eternity with Him. Some stuff that I write may be my personal struggles while other topics may be provoked by anger at sin and a zeal for righteousness. He ignites a passion in me on many things that I don’t want to keep to myself anymore.

So if you’re still interested... Here it goes! I'm starting with a little background.
I started a new walk with God recently. I have been a Christian since I was a child, but I'm not sure I have ever passionately pursued Him. That is an entire blog post in itself, which I will save for later. Right now the important thing is that I’m on a mission to chase after Him with everything I am. I was reading in Deuteronomy last night, where the Lord commanded His people to love the Lord your God with your entire heart, soul, and mind. That verse really hit me, even though I have heard it many times before.

When you love someone, it is not only easy to pursue them... it is a pleasure. They constantly invade your every thought. Their voice makes your heart feel so much joy. Their touch reaches to your soul. You desire to know them more and more. For example… when Brett was deployed, I would devour the letters and e-mails that he wrote me. I would tear them open at the mailbox and read them over and over again. Why has my attitude towards my God’s Word, the Bible, been so different? It is the greatest love story ever told. Real history of a God that loves, conquers, forgives, heals, and transforms. It overflows with more wisdom about who I am as His daughter than I could ever grasp in an entire lifetime of reading it.

So I am forced to ask myself... Have I loved God without ever being head over heels in love with Him? Have I only praised Him when He blessed me and prayed to Him when I needed help? Perhaps not all the time, but it is a fair judgment of myself to say I have been self-centered. We're humans, that's the norm. And as I read through journals that I have written since I was a teenager, I can see the utter frustration I always felt towards my attitude and distant relationship I had with Him as a result of seeking to do things my way. I wanted to use Him for my benefit, and I was good at ignoring His will for my life in pursuance of my own. As I continue to blog, I anticipate sharing bits and pieces of those journals to potentially help someone else who may be stuck in the same sort of rut in their relationship with the Lover of their soul.

My first few entries will contain writings from about a year ago. This first one is about fear, and the next one will be about faith/trust. It is so encouraging to go back and read them and know that He has already shown me so much. I am sharing them to give some background as to what my relationship has been like with God, particularly over the past year. I am being vulnerable, and I may get judged by some. But I think it is worth it if God uses my experiences to touch just one of your lives.

FEAR NO MORE! (Written in May 2009)

Fear is ruining my life. It has me paralyzed. It blinds and deafens me. I am its puppet while its deceptive, evil fingers manipulate me into doing what it wants me to do, saying what it wants me to say, feeling what it wants me to feel, and thinking what it wants me to think.

This isn’t supposed to be a problem for me. It’s not what God wants, surely. I am a Christian, Jesus talks about not being afraid many times in the Bible. Can I tell you the Scriptures? Not exactly. I know one says something like, “Fear not, for I am with you,” and another one says something like, “For God has not given us the Spirit of fear, but of peace” and….a sound mind. Peace and rest and a sound mind? I’m not sure. And yet another comes to mind, one I memorized as a child by listening to some sort of kiddy storytelling cassette: “Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous? Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Perhaps because the Word isn’t in me like it should be, I am pacified by fear every day. And each day it controls me is a day that I will never be able to get back. I bet that pleases satan, to have that control over my life in such that I waste time worrying about things I should not worry. If my faith was truly in God as strongly as it is meant to be, would I be able to get over my fears and perhaps, for the first time in my life, truly live?

I have realized that my faith is nowhere near what I thought it was. Yes, I believe
Jesus died on the cross for me. I am saved by grace through faith in Him. But if I believe that His Spirit lives in me and He is always right here with me like the Bible tells me, WHY do I worry about ANYTHING? Perhaps it’s because worshiping Him and studying His Word has been so low on my priority list.

Guess what? Fear keeps me from reading the Bible. That sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. I just figured that out tonight. At a surface level I feel anxiety when I think about reading because I don’t know where to start. From the beginning, one may suggest. But I have started at Genesis probably 100 times in my life and never got past the first 5 books of the Bible. To start again would be a reminder of my failed attempts over the years. And that is why I hesitate. Because I have started from the beginning of the New Testament, and I have started using a Daily Bible that breaks the entire Bible up into small, healthy doses of Old and New Testaments with a couple Scriptures from Psalms and Proverbs. And shortly after I start, be it a week or a month later, I get behind or sidetracked and I stop. Another failure to add to the list.

This being said, I just had a revelation: fear and failure go hand in hand. I used to be afraid to check the mail because of bills we had failed to pay. For years I was afraid to go to school because I didn’t want to start something I wasn’t 100% confident I would finish. I’m afraid of dying before I have fulfilled the purposes set before me because I would fail my God.

And then I hear...

“My love for you will never change.”

But God, I have fallen so many times before! Surely Your grace and your mercy for me have ran dry by now.

“Never.”

But God… I am so weak

“And I am your strength. Let Me be your strength.”

If I try again, to know You deeply and love You passionately, how do I know that I’m gonna get it right this time?

“You can’t be perfect. Only I am perfect. You will fall flat on your face sometimes. But I will be there. I already am there.”

Okay, so I have to surrender. I have to. I cannot live like this any longer. Will you teach me how? I am so used to trying to do this on my own. I don’t know how to let go.

“I will teach you. I promise.”

I love you. Thank you so much for hearing me.

“I love you too, more than you’ll ever know.”

He NEVER left me. It was my pride, laziness, and selfish desires that kept me from growing closer to Him before now. And any time I stumble, He remains unchanging. His love is not based on how close I get or how far I fall. I cannot earn His love. But the closer I get to Him, the more fulfilled I will be. There is nothing more satisfying than when I know I am pleasing my Father.

One final reminder about my Father. He could not fathom an eternity without us. He became human to die a humiliating death so that we can boldly, freely, relentlessly enter into His presence to love Him and be loved. What if we live in the reality of this insane love we are freely given?? And if we are receivers of such love, isn't it only fair that we share that love instead of keeping it for ourselves? That is a whole other blog post.