I'm back! I'm sorry I haven't written in so long, to those of you that have been checking in. I technically didn't write this time... I just copied and pasted something that I originally wrote in spring 2011 (a couple months before we bought our house) in the wee hours of the morning while Brielle was sick with her first stomach virus. But it is new to you, so I hope you find it worth the time. :) And here we go:
I’m not sure If I am going to be posting this on my blog or
if it is just for me and God. I think He wants me to post it, but then I ask
why He wants me to post a blog about puke. He says, “Because I’ve told you to.”
Yes, God said something that I’m only used to hearing from my Mom, but He did
it with the same love and authority that she always did. So just go ahead and
navigate away from this if you have a weak stomach. If you decide to continue
reading, don’t get mad at me because I am warning you right now that this entry
uses words like “puke”, “vomit”, “throw up”, and “mess” (because I got really
sick of the other words… no pun intended) probably about 34 to 56 times. If my
Mom gets bored enough, she’ll probably go back and count them to see how right
or horribly wrong my estimate is.
I am sitting here on the end of the couch in the dark with
the cold air from the box fan hitting me and a sick girl on the other end,
catching a little sleep between gags. When Brielle woke up puking shortly after
11:30 pm, we originally hoped it was just because the pizza she had for dinner didn’t
sit well in her tummy. But after she did it again ten minutes later, my hopes
that it was just going to be a one-time occurrence quickly dwindled. “She has
her first stomach bug,” I thought to myself with sadness. I think most of you
parents out there can testify that having a sick child brings feelings of
worry, heartache, and/or helplessness.
I instantly started preparing for a night on the couch with
Brielle. I knew sleeping in our bed would not work, because we do not have
enough change of sheets and blankets for all the mess that might be coming our
way (nor the energy to change them if we did). I told Brett to get some rest in
our bed since he has to get up early for work. I grabbed towels, sheets, and
pillowcases as he grabbed us a blanket. Just after I started preparing the
couch, I turn around to see Brett standing there with his pillow, the box fan
that he can’t sleep without, and several more blankets. “What are you doing?” I
asked, not expecting to see him. “Well I can’t miss out on this slumber party,”
he said with a smile. Brett… he will always find a way to make me smile. It
really melted my heart that he chose to be with us. Brielle and I are on the
couch and he is on the tile floor, when he could have our big comfy bed all to
himself. She was pretty excited about it too, climbing off the couch to join
him for a little bit. It was encouraging to see her get up, talk, and smile.
But the enjoyment of that moment faded about thirty seconds later when she
threw up on him.
About an hour into this ordeal, with things getting worse, I
asked for fellow believers to join me in praying for her via Facebook. I didn’t
think many would be up so late, but to my surprise two very sweet friends let
me know that they are praying. One of them is rarely up this late, but her
daughter woke up for some strange reason so that’s why she was up. Not much
later, another sweet friend texted me to let me know that her and her husband
were praying for all of us. As I sat and texted with Jess and Jana, I could not
help but feel so incredibly thankful for the friends He has placed in my life.
So here I am, almost 3 hours later, smelling like vomit,
praying in waves over my daughter, seeking to see Him amidst the exhaustion and
pain, and feeling a deep sense of gratitude that He has made sure I do not feel
alone. Through His presence and through praying friends, I know that He will
work this out, and to Him the glory.
I was lying beside my precious daughter praying in the
Spirit, when something that Pastor Chris said in church tonight came barreling
into the forefront of my mind. In obedience to what God was speaking to him, he
told us that the Holy Spirit was going to anoint some of us over and over
tonight, like waves. That we would not be able to sleep and would be woke up
from sleep. And we would not have to search for Him because He would be right
in front of our faces. We would know He was right there with us. And we would
pray in the Spirit.
After I realized that what Pastor Chris spoke was happening
to me, I took a moment to stop praying and tuned my ears into Him, listening
for direction. What He said to me was awesome.
“Look at your daughter. Look at yourself. Do you see how
tightly you are holding on to her? That is how tightly I am holding you. And
guess what? I’m holding her even more tightly than you are. “
He continued: “Do you smell it? The vomit that has soaked
your shirt?”
I did not know why He was pointing out the vomit smell. That
smell normally makes me so sick that I too end up … you know. But not my
daughter’s. It is not pleasant, of course. But as gross as it is, I can handle
it simply because it came from her. My daughter.
And I am His daughter. He wore my vomit when He took the
beatings, the ridicule, the shame… all a part of the punishment we each
deserved, not Him. He wore our vomit when He carried a cross and was crucified
on it for sins He did not commit. Like Brielle did not want the illness that
created the mess, I do not want to be a child of sin. None of us chose to be
born into sin, and Brielle did not choose to be sick. But in both situations, the
agitator is there nonetheless.
So even though we are sinners, we must realize that He has
chosen to love us anyways. He who knew no sin took on the penalty of sin out of
incredible, relentless, pure love for us. For me. For you. For the person we
can’t stand the most. For the person we love the most. And He is God, the
Creator of everything! Can you imagine the amount of humility it takes for
Jesus to take a punishment that we rightfully deserve? He loves us. If we
question that love, then we must not fully understand what it’s like to love
someone so much you would die for them. That’s exactly what He did for us… only
He knew we would struggle with doubt at times, and He knew that even some would
choose to spit in His face and curse His name out of unbelief and even anger towards
Him. But still, He loves us. I doubt any of us would want to die for someone
who did not love us back. One of the million+ reasons He is God and we are not.
So the next time you don’t feel like you are worthy of His
sacrifice or love, remember that He has called you worthy because He loves you.
Do you deserve it? No. Can you do anything to get to a place to where you do
deserve it? No. That is the beauty of it all: We come to Him ashamed of this
vomit, this sin, that has taken us over only to lift our eyes from the ground
to His face to see that He is looking at us with eyes of fiery love and
understanding. Of the mercy to wash us clean and the grace to transform us so
that if we mess up again, we are surrendered so He is given full permission to clean
us up.
He has already met us in the mess. He felt the sting of its
penalty in ways we do not fully know. I’m going to take this truth one more
step further: He has CONQUERED the mess. So He has authority over it.
I think most of us share (or have shared in the past) the
need to work things out in our lives before we come to Him. It’s like our vomit
is everywhere and we are trying to clean it up, only to throw up even more as
we do. But the true picture is that we puked, and when we went to clean it up,
Jesus was already there. We bend down with a rag and try to help Him, and He
blocks our rag from hitting the floor. “Don’t labor over this, because I’ve
already done the work.” We look again, and where the mess was is spotless.
“Our righteousness is as filthy rags” has a new meaning to
me now.
