You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath. We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you. (Psalm 39:5-7)
About six months ago, I had a dream that I cannot stop thinking about.
I had just died. I knew my time on earth was up, and all I could see was the brightest white surrounding me. Even though it was incredibly brighter than the sun, it wasn’t blinding. It was so pure, so radiant, and I cannot find the words to describe it any better. During this dream I felt two emotions, the first being relief. I stood in the bright white and thought, “This is it. Everything that mattered in that life is over.” My relief stemmed from knowing this was true. There would be no more pain or sorrow, no more tears or stress or heartache. No more college essays or exams. No more bills or appointments. Well, one more appointment… It was time to stand before God. This awareness brought on the second emotion: Regret.
I had always looked forward to seeing the One who gave me life by dying on the cross, so why was I feeling regret? I started doubting myself. The questions bombarded my heart, mind, and soul. “What if I didn’t accomplish my purposes on earth? What if I wasted talents and gifts He entrusted me with? Is He disappointed with the way I chose to live my life, to spend my time, to use my money?” I knew I was not going to Hell; I was made right with God only by faith in the blood of His Son Jesus Christ. But I was almost in panic mode because of all the “What ifs”, and could not stand the thought that maybe I did not live my life the way He so desired me to. Then, almost as quickly as it started, my dream ended.
Reality Check, Please
In the months before this dream took place, I had an odd realization: I am going to die one day. You may wonder what is odd about that, since 100% of us will die one day (unless Jesus comes back during our time here). I call it “odd” because most humans choose to live like their lives on earth will never come to an end. Frederick Buechner helps me establish my point when he writes, “Intellectually we all know that we will die, but we do not really know it in the sense that the knowledge becomes a part of us. We do not really know it in the sense of living as though it were true. On the contrary, we tend to live as though our lives would go on forever.” We do not wake up each morning and fully realize that the day ahead of us is a gift, full of promises and purpose waiting to be fulfilled. Every day, millions of people around this world live for themselves and not for God or others. I can make this judgment because I am guilty of doing it. It’s part of the human condition. It is very easy to be so inwardly focused on to-do lists, goals, situations, problems, and so on, that we walk through our entire day completely missing what it was we were really supposed to do. The ones who truly realize the importance and value of every single day are either intensely in tune with God’s will for their lives or have been diagnosed with a terminal illness that has their days numbered. But ultimately, whether you die young or at an old age, each of our lives is but a speck when viewed on the timeline of eternity, which has no beginning and no end.
“Just to put into perspective the brevity of our lives: Throughout time, somewhere between 45 billion and 125 billion people have lived on this earth. That’s 125,000,000,000. In about 50 years (give or take a couple of decades), no one will remember you. Everyone you know will be dead. Certainly no one will care what job you had, what car you drove, what school you attended, or what clothes you wore. This can be terrifying or reassuring, or maybe a mix of both.” –Francis Chan, Crazy Love
I used to pretend that I would never die. I figured that if I ignore it, it can’t become reality. I wanted to live a full life on earth… have a big family, travel the world with my husband, have a career, own a nice house, live the American dream. I will never forget an assignment I did in high school. The teacher gave us a blank itemized budget plan, and we had to fill it out to the best of our abilities. After that, we had to write out short-term and long-term goals. My five and ten year goals were something like, “Graduate college, marry the man of my dreams, graduate law school, get a job I love, have a few children.” What I vividly remember is my retirement goal: “Buy a house on the beach and spend quality time with my husband walking along the beach holding hands.” Some of you may see nothing wrong with such plans. After all, we are taught as Americans to seek our comfort and success to find true happiness. I am so thankful to live in a country where working hard in school and on the job is rewarded with the ability to make a better life for yourself. But should money, things, or even the approval of others be the meter by which we determine how happy we are? Can we take anything we obtain with us after we die? Will the satisfaction of materialistic things sustain us in eternity?
There is nothing wrong with money, as long as it does not rule our lives (“Those who use the things of the world should not become attached to them. For this world as we know it will soon pass away.” -1 Corinthians 7:31). Money is best used in a way that honors God. But when it becomes our god, we are in danger of judgment. Trusting in money means we are putting all our faith in our resources instead of God, from whom all blessings flow and who has promised to meet our every need if we will only choose Him. I have strong beliefs about money, but they are better saved for a different blog post. What I am trying to say is, when He made it known to me that there is so much more to live for than my own selfish desires, I began to seek His desires for my life. And that is scary, because so often what He wants for us is on the opposite end of what the rest of the world believes we should want.
Fast forward 10 years from that assignment. I don’t want the high salaried job or the big house (though I have been blessed with the man of my dreams and a child). I am still in school, finally pursuing something I have wanted to do since I was little- impact the lives of children like my 3rd grade teacher did to me. I don’t want to retire on the beach. A great retirement in my eyes would consist of having the money and time to do mission work year round, to be His hands to the people that need food, water, clothing, shelter, Bibles, prayer, healing. As I watch my life unfold and let Him show me His will, I want to serve Him. And if He ends up entrusting me with a big house or a lot of money then all I can do is trust that He will show me how to use those things for His glory. Everything on this planet is worthless apart from Him.
Oh Death, Where is Your Victory??
What I have come to understand is that for most of my life, I did not realize that I was so focused on this world that I was not seeing the greatness of my God. When all of your time and attention is spent in this world and not in the presence of God, it is so easy to forget that God, Heaven, and Hell are all realities. But as I have hungered for and seen a glimpse of God, I have learned that I have to be fully aware of death and not be afraid of it… but instead, look forward to it. Look forward to death? Is that morbid? Absolutely not. I know where my eternity will be spent and, most importantly, who I will spend it with: My God who created me and loves me and has called me according to His purpose. When I think about Him, I long to go home. My heart aches to be with Him, to be wrapped up in His arms and look into His loving eyes. I imagine dancing with Him, and He showing me His splendor in what He has created. For us to not want to be with our Maker means we are blind and walking in ignorance of the splendor that awaits those who have surrendered to Him. As one of my pastors said a few months back, God made the whole world, universe, and everything in them in six days. When Jesus left the apostles, He said He was going to prepare a place for us and would return when He was finished (see John 14: 1-3). That means God has been working on our eternal homes for 2,000 years. 2,000 years! What does this say about our future?! It has me utterly amazed and excited. Our minds cannot begin to comprehend what He has in store for those who love, trust and obey Him.
I am so thankful that He sent his Holy Spirit to guide me, to live in me, and to make Him known to me while I am on this earth. (I will blog very soon about how my neglect of the Holy Spirit was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made. Read Galatians 5:16-26 for a clearer understanding of the Spirit’s power to help and transform.) I would see no purpose in this life without His love, direction, and influence. I fail in many ways every single day, but He never gives up and never withholds a second (or third or thousandth) chance. The Bible reminds us that all fall short of the glory of God. If you have not experienced His love and forgiveness in your life, I want to urge you to not wait another day. He is not going to turn you away or condemn you. You don’t have to get your act together before He will embrace you with open arms and cleanse you. He wants every ounce of you, just as you are right now. When you let Him in, He will transform you into a beautiful new creation that can be used for reasons beyond your comprehension- both in this world and the next.
“The point of your life is to point to Him. Whatever you are doing, God wants to be glorified, because this whole thing is His. It is His movie, His world, His gift.” (from Crazy Love)
I want to glorify God with my life and everything in it… The way I spend my time, the love I invest in relationships, how I use my talents and resources, what I think about, and what I dream. I have my eyes on that day when this life is over and I am standing (or kneeling, or most likely… flat on my face) before Him. And if I fail to keep my eyes on the prize, then I forget why I am running the race. I do not want to have a single regret. I want to be able to collapse at His merciful, beautiful feet knowing that I gave it my all. I gave Him my all.
