“I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.” –Jesus, in John 8:12
God, you are everything to me. When I am burdened and my heart is heavy, I hear you say, “Cast your cares upon Me, because I care for you.” When I worship you, I feel You smiling. When I can’t shut my mind off and confusion sets in, I hear You say, “Be still and know that I am God.” The enemy seeks to tear me down by throwing in my face every single shortcoming and failure I possess. But You consume me with Your unfailing love and never-ending grace and accept me as I am. For so long, I have searched for You and tried to be more like You in my own strength. But You are teaching me that in my weakness, You are strong. You have shown me that my righteousness is as filthy rags, so if I feel like I deserve anything because I am an essentially “good person,” then I need to fall to my face before You and let You show me that the only good in me comes from You. For me to be Your instrument, I have to be humbled and broken. And how else would I become that way if it were not through suffering and tension in my life? Indeed, this is why I as a believer should “consider it an opportunity for great joy when troubles come your way (James 1:2).” Does a prideful or self-reliant man depend on God? No, he depends on himself alone, and in addition only seeks to please himself. I am disgusted when I remember how selfish I have been for most of my life. You have grown me so much, and I praise You for revealing to me that there is so much more to life than what this world tries to tell me. “It’s all about you,” the world says. “Love money! Gain material possessions! Seek comfort, pursue happiness! Spend so much time obsessing over your outward body that you starve the only part of you that will live forever- your soul.” The problem with the world’s way of thinking is that it leaves no room for You. I, born of sinful nature yet purposed by You to rise above it, am urged to put myself as center of the universe and judge everything according to how I feel instead of how You feel. I am eternally grateful that You have shown me how You want me to live, and I will never stop running the race no matter how many times I stumble and skin my knees. You command that I love You with all my soul, mind, and strength. Show me every day in every moment how to love You more, with all that I am. I will not be satisfied until I awake in Your likeness. I owe you everything, because You gave your all to pay my debt on the cross.
As I start this journey this summer to truly dig into Your word like never before and study it as the most important book I will ever lay eyes on, I ask that You give me wisdom and understanding. I understand that my relationship with You will not always be emotional, warm fuzzies all the time. But I am not seeking a spiritual high that is founded on emotions. I am seeking spiritual truths that I so desperately crave. I am seeking to know You beyond what is humanly possible. I am often frustrated when I don’t feel like You are using me for Your purposes… but I know that I am the only one to blame. Any distance between You and me at any point in my life is a direct result of: 1) my unwillingness to surrender everything and let You have Your way in me (aka, pride and stubbornness), and 2) laziness… choosing to not put forth the effort it takes to grow in my walk with You, but instead give other meaningless things that attention that only You deserve. Every good relationship on this earth takes time, effort, and attention. How foolish are we believers to think that our relationship with You is not worthy of these three things that are so crucial? Teach me to surrender all my time, effort, and attention to You.
I will not wear a mask.
To anyone reading my blog… I teased you by starting this blog in March, with no clear direction of what I was going to write about. I know now that it is going to be a real life blog, one of brutal honesty about the person I am and things revealed to me as I study my Bible and other materials. When I wrote the above prayer, it was with no intentions of sharing it with anyone, much less the world wide web. But I felt the Holy Spirit lead me to, and I won't ignore Him. I know this blog will ultimately be a testimony of God’s transforming power in this flawed believer who loves, fears, and seeks Him. I know He will use life experiences to be glorified in me and to grow my faith. I have struggled with what some people may think or say if I write transparently for all to see. But, I have finally reached a point where I’m not concerned about what anyone thinks but my Heavenly Father. In addition, I won’t pretend to have all the answers or have the perfect life, because both of those things are deceitful. Life is hard, life is often not fair, but that does not make life any less beautiful or God any less worthy of praise. We must not forget that there is so much more to God than only what we see or experience. We have the great opportunity to follow Jesus, with the power of the Holy Spirit to help us in every way, and live a life far more awesome than we could have ever imagined no matter what we face. I hope my life will prove that to be true, and I hope He uses me in ways I will not know about until I get to Heaven so that I will never be tempted to take credit when all the credit belongs to Him.
