Well, I’ve finally done it. I’ve started this blog that I’ve thought about doing for several months now. I don’t know why I haven’t made the time to do it earlier. I think it’s been two things: 1.) Staying too busy with school and work, and 2.) Fear… fear that I won’t update it regularly, fear of how I’ll be viewed by those who know me and read what I say, and fear of it not “succeeding” in the blog world. Funny thing, I'll be sharing something I wrote last year about the paralyzing effects of fear by the end of this blog.
Anyways, I don’t know what I’ll write in the coming weeks and months or who my reading audience is, but I am not going to make excuses anymore. If you are reading my blog, then you must be curious as to what I want to say. Maybe you will agree with me on most topics, and maybe you will disagree with me on every single one. So consider this a disclaimer: Just as I have the choice to blog, you have the choice to read it. Please don’t leave any nasty comments. I will delete them and I will continue writing. Also don’t leave any comments in attempt to debate with me or make me change my view on anything. Maybe one day I’ll choose to carry on debates, but for now I am using this site to journal whatever is laid on my heart. Some of you may be surprised at the things I share, while others may think they are typical Desiree thoughts.
As most of my blogs will be about my walk with God, I will be the first to tell you that I am not a Bible scholar and I, by NO means, feel like I am any holier than the next believer. I am not perfect. Nor will I ever be, until I am standing in eternity with Him. Some stuff that I write may be my personal struggles while other topics may be provoked by anger at sin and a zeal for righteousness. He ignites a passion in me on many things that I don’t want to keep to myself anymore.
So if you’re still interested... Here it goes! I'm starting with a little background.
I started a new walk with God recently. I have been a Christian since I was a child, but I'm not sure I have ever passionately pursued Him. That is an entire blog post in itself, which I will save for later. Right now the important thing is that I’m on a mission to chase after Him with everything I am. I was reading in Deuteronomy last night, where the Lord commanded His people to love the Lord your God with your entire heart, soul, and mind. That verse really hit me, even though I have heard it many times before.
When you love someone, it is not only easy to pursue them... it is a pleasure. They constantly invade your every thought. Their voice makes your heart feel so much joy. Their touch reaches to your soul. You desire to know them more and more. For example… when Brett was deployed, I would devour the letters and e-mails that he wrote me. I would tear them open at the mailbox and read them over and over again. Why has my attitude towards my God’s Word, the Bible, been so different? It is the greatest love story ever told. Real history of a God that loves, conquers, forgives, heals, and transforms. It overflows with more wisdom about who I am as His daughter than I could ever grasp in an entire lifetime of reading it.
So I am forced to ask myself... Have I loved God without ever being head over heels in love with Him? Have I only praised Him when He blessed me and prayed to Him when I needed help? Perhaps not all the time, but it is a fair judgment of myself to say I have been self-centered. We're humans, that's the norm. And as I read through journals that I have written since I was a teenager, I can see the utter frustration I always felt towards my attitude and distant relationship I had with Him as a result of seeking to do things my way. I wanted to use Him for my benefit, and I was good at ignoring His will for my life in pursuance of my own. As I continue to blog, I anticipate sharing bits and pieces of those journals to potentially help someone else who may be stuck in the same sort of rut in their relationship with the Lover of their soul.
My first few entries will contain writings from about a year ago. This first one is about fear, and the next one will be about faith/trust. It is so encouraging to go back and read them and know that He has already shown me so much. I am sharing them to give some background as to what my relationship has been like with God, particularly over the past year. I am being vulnerable, and I may get judged by some. But I think it is worth it if God uses my experiences to touch just one of your lives.
FEAR NO MORE! (Written in May 2009)
Fear is ruining my life. It has me paralyzed. It blinds and deafens me. I am its puppet while its deceptive, evil fingers manipulate me into doing what it wants me to do, saying what it wants me to say, feeling what it wants me to feel, and thinking what it wants me to think.
This isn’t supposed to be a problem for me. It’s not what God wants, surely. I am a Christian, Jesus talks about not being afraid many times in the Bible. Can I tell you the Scriptures? Not exactly. I know one says something like, “Fear not, for I am with you,” and another one says something like, “For God has not given us the Spirit of fear, but of peace” and….a sound mind. Peace and rest and a sound mind? I’m not sure. And yet another comes to mind, one I memorized as a child by listening to some sort of kiddy storytelling cassette: “Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous? Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Perhaps because the Word isn’t in me like it should be, I am pacified by fear every day. And each day it controls me is a day that I will never be able to get back. I bet that pleases satan, to have that control over my life in such that I waste time worrying about things I should not worry. If my faith was truly in God as strongly as it is meant to be, would I be able to get over my fears and perhaps, for the first time in my life, truly live?
I have realized that my faith is nowhere near what I thought it was. Yes, I believe
Jesus died on the cross for me. I am saved by grace through faith in Him. But if I believe that His Spirit lives in me and He is always right here with me like the Bible tells me, WHY do I worry about ANYTHING? Perhaps it’s because worshiping Him and studying His Word has been so low on my priority list.
Guess what? Fear keeps me from reading the Bible. That sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. I just figured that out tonight. At a surface level I feel anxiety when I think about reading because I don’t know where to start. From the beginning, one may suggest. But I have started at Genesis probably 100 times in my life and never got past the first 5 books of the Bible. To start again would be a reminder of my failed attempts over the years. And that is why I hesitate. Because I have started from the beginning of the New Testament, and I have started using a Daily Bible that breaks the entire Bible up into small, healthy doses of Old and New Testaments with a couple Scriptures from Psalms and Proverbs. And shortly after I start, be it a week or a month later, I get behind or sidetracked and I stop. Another failure to add to the list.
This being said, I just had a revelation: fear and failure go hand in hand. I used to be afraid to check the mail because of bills we had failed to pay. For years I was afraid to go to school because I didn’t want to start something I wasn’t 100% confident I would finish. I’m afraid of dying before I have fulfilled the purposes set before me because I would fail my God.
And then I hear...
“My love for you will never change.”
But God, I have fallen so many times before! Surely Your grace and your mercy for me have ran dry by now.
“Never.”
But God… I am so weak
“And I am your strength. Let Me be your strength.”
If I try again, to know You deeply and love You passionately, how do I know that I’m gonna get it right this time?
“You can’t be perfect. Only I am perfect. You will fall flat on your face sometimes. But I will be there. I already am there.”
Okay, so I have to surrender. I have to. I cannot live like this any longer. Will you teach me how? I am so used to trying to do this on my own. I don’t know how to let go.
“I will teach you. I promise.”
I love you. Thank you so much for hearing me.
“I love you too, more than you’ll ever know.”
He NEVER left me. It was my pride, laziness, and selfish desires that kept me from growing closer to Him before now. And any time I stumble, He remains unchanging. His love is not based on how close I get or how far I fall. I cannot earn His love. But the closer I get to Him, the more fulfilled I will be. There is nothing more satisfying than when I know I am pleasing my Father.
One final reminder about my Father. He could not fathom an eternity without us. He became human to die a humiliating death so that we can boldly, freely, relentlessly enter into His presence to love Him and be loved. What if we live in the reality of this insane love we are freely given?? And if we are receivers of such love, isn't it only fair that we share that love instead of keeping it for ourselves? That is a whole other blog post.
