Love

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. –Romans 8:38-39

I had a stunning revelation tonight: I have no clue how much I am loved. No clue.

You would have to live in my brain to understand just how clueless I am. Here I am, a follower of Christ that wants the world to know how much He loves them when I don’t even understand it myself. My knowledge of God’s love has been that it is too great to ever comprehend. I cannot comprehend a love that prompts a perfect, holy God to allow His perfect, holy Son to die the death that I deserve and to take on the shame of my sins. If I were God, everyone in this world would be in big trouble. Allow MY blameless child to die for them, to take their blame?? Not in a million years. Especially with the knowledge that so many of those people that my child would die for would be ungrateful, doubtful, or totally unbelieving. Knowing that some would claim to love my child yet live lives that say the exact opposite.

But that's just it... He knew. He knew that we would have days where we take for granted the sacrifice. He knew some of us would struggle with unbelief. I mean, that kind of love does sound too good to be true. We don’t see love like that acted out in this world. Despite knowing how often His love would be ignored, abused, or misunderstood, He still decided that the sacrifice was worth it so that we could have the opportunity to be with Him for eternity. Keep this in mind as I shift gears for a minute.

I have lived out of His will for most of my adult life. So many people want to know what God’s will is for their lives. I finally know the answer to that. His will isn't found in a career or job title. His will isn't found in a spouse. His will isn't fulfilled when we reach a level of maturity that makes us feel like we have our act together.
His will for our lives is to be dependent on Him every single moment of every single day, living lives of worship to our wonderful Savior. His will for our lives is for us to love Him with reckless abandon and love others unconditionally. For us to walk in awareness that without Him we are dead... We may be breathing and moving around, but our soul is not satisfied with anything we try to fill it with unless we are filling it with the One who called it into existence. For so long I struggled with trying to uncover His will for my life, not realizing that I was looking far off for the answer that was right in front of my face. I am not by any means undermining the importance of knowing what career or spouse He wants us to have or what city or church He wants us to be a part of, or any other important decisions we make. But what I am saying is that there is no one thing that can bring us to a place where we have finally reached the fulfillment of His will for our lives. His will for our lives is fresh with each new sunrise. He doesn’t care how many days we have wasted out of His will. He wants to restore us from our mistakes and transform us into godly children that He can use for His glory.

I am going to try to tie this all together now. When I am out of His will, I am frustrated. I strive to be good enough to be called His daughter but to no avail. Because there is nothing I can do in my own strength that makes me worthy of His love. He is not impressed with human effort. I have to remind myself that His Word says we are saved by faith, not by works (Eph 2:8-9). But then if I try to live my life in the freedom of knowing I am saved by faith and not by works, then I walk around feeling undeserving and unfulfilled, knowing that there is a piece of the puzzle missing. After all, His Word also says that faith without works is dead (James 2:20). But so often I have a hard time distinguishing what works I do out of faith and what works are out of failed attempts to be made righteous, to be "good enough" to be His servant. So how does this vicious cycle end? It ends when I decide to be consumed by His love and allow that love to transform me every single day. I understand now more than ever what the writer of Psalm 17:15 is talking about when he says he will be satisfied when he awakes in His likeness. He was the most selfless, incredible, loving man to ever walk this earth. And He is still alive in us (see Gal 2:20 and Col 1:27). If we call ourselves Christian but His love is not radiating from the way we live then I cannot help but question if we deserve the title. The ATS Bible Dictionary defines a Christian as one “who heartily accepts Christ as his teacher, guide, and master, the source of his highest life, strength, and joy, his only Redeemer from sin and hell, his Lord and his God.” What better way can we fit that definition than by taking hold of the love He extends and letting it have its perfect work through us?

I am going to have to learn how to simply accept His love- the most profound, undeserved gift ever. I feel so unworthy to be loved by my Maker. I would venture to say it has been the single biggest thing that has held me back from being the woman I was made to be. It is very easy to believe satan’s whispers in my ear that it is too good to be true, that I have failed Him one too many times to still be His beloved. If you can relate, listen closely: He wants you, all of you. Not just the cleaned up parts that seem decent enough to expose to a perfect God. He wants us right where we are to stop trying to be good enough and just accept His love. There is nothing you can ever do that will separate you from His love. Decide with me to take Him at His word when He says that His grace covers us and His love is all-powerful, never-ending, never-failing. Only when we allow that love in can we truly find His will for our lives. Only by walking in that love can we know what it feels like to truly live.

It's Never Easy... But Always Worth It

I wrote the following in my journal in July:

God has placed the refining process of gold on my heart lately. I decided to write about it because He placed it in front of my eyes as I read tonight: "So be truly glad. There is a wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for awhile. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold- though your faith if far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." (1 Peter 1:6-7)
The heat of the fire is painful, but it is necessary to burn off stuff in my life that keeps me impure. So I am starting to understand what it means to count it joy the the trials exist, because it means my Maker is turning me into something more beautiful. And though I struggle to see Him, I know He is there. He sustains me, encourages me, and covers me. He will not let me be defeated. He already holds the victory, in every situation... past, present, and future. So He is worthy of my praise, my trust, and my very life. I am head over heels in love with this God that I may never fully know or understand.

On the edge of the paper after I was finished writing, I added, "It is midnight and the birds are singing...I see great meaning to that." As those that know me are well aware, I see midnight almost on a nightly basis. If the birds had ever sang at midnight here before, it was not as loud and noticeable as it was that night. It was like God was saying, "This is what it is like to have joy amidst the trials... birds singing at midnight." The morning was still hours away, yet the birds found reason
to sing with all their hearts.

There are a few people very precious to me who are constantly on my heart because of the fire they are going through. If you are reading this and you are going through things that make it difficult to look for God in the midst, I want to encourage you to cling to the above scripture. Let these truths resonate. It sounds ridiculous that one is able to have joy while in a whirlwind of pain... but there aren't many things in the Bible that the rest of the world would exactly call sane.
Read that verse again. There is a wonderful joy ahead, despite the trials right now. The trial is already in action, so now it's time to let your faith pull you through and be proven real. If your faith has been shattered or was so weak that it fell to ashes before the fire was even blazing, there is never a better time to surrender and let God show you who He really is. How incredible it will be if we can look back at the things we endured at the end of this life and be able to glorify God for making us more than conquerors. He is not a dictator, He will not force us to surrender to Him. But He is the creator, giver, and upholder of LOVE. And His love is so perfect, so pure, so profound that when we are washed over with it, we are never the same. Why do we take a love like that for granted, or roll our eyes at it when we see that our version of love does not always line up with His?

We all go through those faith-testing times, big and small. I believe we all have been guilty of trying to handle them on our own. It is the human condition to try to keep control. It hurts our pride to admit we need help. So, needless to say, it is always a battle to hold on to joy (which can only be found in God) during trials. There have been times that I decided to not fight for joy and let the situation steal it from me. Those times were the darkest times of my life, where I struggled to take my next breath. My mind and heart was full of bitterness, anger, fear, and hopelessness. But here is how I know that God is for real when He puts so much importance on joy and releasing every worry, heartache, and trouble to Him: The darkest times of my life have not necessarily been the biggest trials. One would think the worst circumstances would be considered the darkest times, but that does not have to be the case. One of my biggest trials thus far happened a year ago, yet I was able to hold on to that joy, that peace that surpasses understanding. It didn't come to me; I had to actively pursue it. On the days I got weary and wanted to throw my hands up and quit, I could feel joy leaving and the hopelessness creeping in. But I couldn't let hopelessness win; it contradicts my God, who is Hope.

As believers, we are free from being chained to all those things that fill us when joy doesn't. We can stop what we are doing and tell Him what our hearts and minds are going through and ask for help at any moment. While we are driving or doing our job, we can surrender the thing that is plaguing us. I used to not see a point in doing this, since He already knows everything before I even say a word. But I finally get it... It is about us being willing to let our grip on any given situation go, humbling ourselves to the point that we admit we cannot handle this nor do we want to. It is about dropping the pride, which is a very painful thing to do because we don't like to admit that we don't know what to do or where to go from here. It is about honoring Him by taking Him at His word and trusting Him to come through (although it seems that His version of coming through is not typically our version. But comfort is found in knowing His will was done because you trusted Him the whole time). After all, what kind of "God" are we believing in if we don't believe Him, if we aren't take Him at His word? Are we trying to fool ourselves into believing that our ways are higher than His ways when His ways don't make sense to us?

I don't know about you, but I don't want a "God" that caters to our desires and whose will can be changed to line up with our will. None of us want to go through the fire, but how are we ever going to grow if we do not embrace the fire as something that can transform us to be closer to Him and more like the person He intends for us to be? Every fire is different, but the God that is extending His hand to us while we are in it is unchanging. No matter what we have been through, are going through, or will go through in the future, we cannot let the fire destroy us. We need to let it melt away all the things in us that do not please God so that our faith that our very souls depend on comes out looking more beautiful than ever before.

"Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?" (Matthew 16:24-26, The Message)

There is freedom in surrendering control of every situation to God. There is a deep gratitude in the fact that the ONE who created the universe, the world, and all of us loves us. He doesn't stop at loving us. He truly cares about us, and invites us to rest in Him. The hardest part is getting past ourselves... our doubts, fears, insecurities, hurt, pride... But I am reminded over and over again that it is worth it. HE is worth it.

Living in Awareness of Death

You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath. We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you. (Psalm 39:5-7)

About six months ago, I had a dream that I cannot stop thinking about.

I had just died. I knew my time on earth was up, and all I could see was the brightest white surrounding me. Even though it was incredibly brighter than the sun, it wasn’t blinding. It was so pure, so radiant, and I cannot find the words to describe it any better. During this dream I felt two emotions, the first being relief. I stood in the bright white and thought, “This is it. Everything that mattered in that life is over.” My relief stemmed from knowing this was true. There would be no more pain or sorrow, no more tears or stress or heartache. No more college essays or exams. No more bills or appointments. Well, one more appointment… It was time to stand before God. This awareness brought on the second emotion: Regret.

I had always looked forward to seeing the One who gave me life by dying on the cross, so why was I feeling regret? I started doubting myself. The questions bombarded my heart, mind, and soul. “What if I didn’t accomplish my purposes on earth? What if I wasted talents and gifts He entrusted me with? Is He disappointed with the way I chose to live my life, to spend my time, to use my money?” I knew I was not going to Hell; I was made right with God only by faith in the blood of His Son Jesus Christ. But I was almost in panic mode because of all the “What ifs”, and could not stand the thought that maybe I did not live my life the way He so desired me to. Then, almost as quickly as it started, my dream ended.

Reality Check, Please

In the months before this dream took place, I had an odd realization: I am going to die one day. You may wonder what is odd about that, since 100% of us will die one day (unless Jesus comes back during our time here). I call it “odd” because most humans choose to live like their lives on earth will never come to an end. Frederick Buechner helps me establish my point when he writes, “Intellectually we all know that we will die, but we do not really know it in the sense that the knowledge becomes a part of us. We do not really know it in the sense of living as though it were true. On the contrary, we tend to live as though our lives would go on forever.” We do not wake up each morning and fully realize that the day ahead of us is a gift, full of promises and purpose waiting to be fulfilled. Every day, millions of people around this world live for themselves and not for God or others. I can make this judgment because I am guilty of doing it. It’s part of the human condition. It is very easy to be so inwardly focused on to-do lists, goals, situations, problems, and so on, that we walk through our entire day completely missing what it was we were really supposed to do. The ones who truly realize the importance and value of every single day are either intensely in tune with God’s will for their lives or have been diagnosed with a terminal illness that has their days numbered. But ultimately, whether you die young or at an old age, each of our lives is but a speck when viewed on the timeline of eternity, which has no beginning and no end.

“Just to put into perspective the brevity of our lives: Throughout time, somewhere between 45 billion and 125 billion people have lived on this earth. That’s 125,000,000,000. In about 50 years (give or take a couple of decades), no one will remember you. Everyone you know will be dead. Certainly no one will care what job you had, what car you drove, what school you attended, or what clothes you wore. This can be terrifying or reassuring, or maybe a mix of both.” –Francis Chan, Crazy Love

I used to pretend that I would never die. I figured that if I ignore it, it can’t become reality. I wanted to live a full life on earth… have a big family, travel the world with my husband, have a career, own a nice house, live the American dream. I will never forget an assignment I did in high school. The teacher gave us a blank itemized budget plan, and we had to fill it out to the best of our abilities. After that, we had to write out short-term and long-term goals. My five and ten year goals were something like, “Graduate college, marry the man of my dreams, graduate law school, get a job I love, have a few children.” What I vividly remember is my retirement goal: “Buy a house on the beach and spend quality time with my husband walking along the beach holding hands.” Some of you may see nothing wrong with such plans. After all, we are taught as Americans to seek our comfort and success to find true happiness. I am so thankful to live in a country where working hard in school and on the job is rewarded with the ability to make a better life for yourself. But should money, things, or even the approval of others be the meter by which we determine how happy we are? Can we take anything we obtain with us after we die? Will the satisfaction of materialistic things sustain us in eternity?

There is nothing wrong with money, as long as it does not rule our lives (“Those who use the things of the world should not become attached to them. For this world as we know it will soon pass away.” -1 Corinthians 7:31). Money is best used in a way that honors God. But when it becomes our god, we are in danger of judgment. Trusting in money means we are putting all our faith in our resources instead of God, from whom all blessings flow and who has promised to meet our every need if we will only choose Him. I have strong beliefs about money, but they are better saved for a different blog post. What I am trying to say is, when He made it known to me that there is so much more to live for than my own selfish desires, I began to seek His desires for my life. And that is scary, because so often what He wants for us is on the opposite end of what the rest of the world believes we should want.

Fast forward 10 years from that assignment. I don’t want the high salaried job or the big house (though I have been blessed with the man of my dreams and a child). I am still in school, finally pursuing something I have wanted to do since I was little- impact the lives of children like my 3rd grade teacher did to me. I don’t want to retire on the beach. A great retirement in my eyes would consist of having the money and time to do mission work year round, to be His hands to the people that need food, water, clothing, shelter, Bibles, prayer, healing. As I watch my life unfold and let Him show me His will, I want to serve Him. And if He ends up entrusting me with a big house or a lot of money then all I can do is trust that He will show me how to use those things for His glory. Everything on this planet is worthless apart from Him.

Oh Death, Where is Your Victory??

What I have come to understand is that for most of my life, I did not realize that I was so focused on this world that I was not seeing the greatness of my God. When all of your time and attention is spent in this world and not in the presence of God, it is so easy to forget that God, Heaven, and Hell are all realities. But as I have hungered for and seen a glimpse of God, I have learned that I have to be fully aware of death and not be afraid of it… but instead, look forward to it. Look forward to death? Is that morbid? Absolutely not. I know where my eternity will be spent and, most importantly, who I will spend it with: My God who created me and loves me and has called me according to His purpose. When I think about Him, I long to go home. My heart aches to be with Him, to be wrapped up in His arms and look into His loving eyes. I imagine dancing with Him, and He showing me His splendor in what He has created. For us to not want to be with our Maker means we are blind and walking in ignorance of the splendor that awaits those who have surrendered to Him. As one of my pastors said a few months back, God made the whole world, universe, and everything in them in six days. When Jesus left the apostles, He said He was going to prepare a place for us and would return when He was finished (see John 14: 1-3). That means God has been working on our eternal homes for 2,000 years. 2,000 years! What does this say about our future?! It has me utterly amazed and excited. Our minds cannot begin to comprehend what He has in store for those who love, trust and obey Him.

I am so thankful that He sent his Holy Spirit to guide me, to live in me, and to make Him known to me while I am on this earth. (I will blog very soon about how my neglect of the Holy Spirit was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made. Read Galatians 5:16-26 for a clearer understanding of the Spirit’s power to help and transform.) I would see no purpose in this life without His love, direction, and influence. I fail in many ways every single day, but He never gives up and never withholds a second (or third or thousandth) chance. The Bible reminds us that all fall short of the glory of God. If you have not experienced His love and forgiveness in your life, I want to urge you to not wait another day. He is not going to turn you away or condemn you. You don’t have to get your act together before He will embrace you with open arms and cleanse you. He wants every ounce of you, just as you are right now. When you let Him in, He will transform you into a beautiful new creation that can be used for reasons beyond your comprehension- both in this world and the next.

“The point of your life is to point to Him. Whatever you are doing, God wants to be glorified, because this whole thing is His. It is His movie, His world, His gift.” (from Crazy Love)

I want to glorify God with my life and everything in it… The way I spend my time, the love I invest in relationships, how I use my talents and resources, what I think about, and what I dream. I have my eyes on that day when this life is over and I am standing (or kneeling, or most likely… flat on my face) before Him. And if I fail to keep my eyes on the prize, then I forget why I am running the race. I do not want to have a single regret. I want to be able to collapse at His merciful, beautiful feet knowing that I gave it my all. I gave Him my all.

Transparency

“I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.” –Jesus, in John 8:12

God, you are everything to me. When I am burdened and my heart is heavy, I hear you say, “Cast your cares upon Me, because I care for you.” When I worship you, I feel You smiling. When I can’t shut my mind off and confusion sets in, I hear You say, “Be still and know that I am God.” The enemy seeks to tear me down by throwing in my face every single shortcoming and failure I possess. But You consume me with Your unfailing love and never-ending grace and accept me as I am. For so long, I have searched for You and tried to be more like You in my own strength. But You are teaching me that in my weakness, You are strong. You have shown me that my righteousness is as filthy rags, so if I feel like I deserve anything because I am an essentially “good person,” then I need to fall to my face before You and let You show me that the only good in me comes from You. For me to be Your instrument, I have to be humbled and broken. And how else would I become that way if it were not through suffering and tension in my life? Indeed, this is why I as a believer should “consider it an opportunity for great joy when troubles come your way (James 1:2).” Does a prideful or self-reliant man depend on God? No, he depends on himself alone, and in addition only seeks to please himself. I am disgusted when I remember how selfish I have been for most of my life. You have grown me so much, and I praise You for revealing to me that there is so much more to life than what this world tries to tell me. “It’s all about you,” the world says. “Love money! Gain material possessions! Seek comfort, pursue happiness! Spend so much time obsessing over your outward body that you starve the only part of you that will live forever- your soul.” The problem with the world’s way of thinking is that it leaves no room for You. I, born of sinful nature yet purposed by You to rise above it, am urged to put myself as center of the universe and judge everything according to how I feel instead of how You feel. I am eternally grateful that You have shown me how You want me to live, and I will never stop running the race no matter how many times I stumble and skin my knees. You command that I love You with all my soul, mind, and strength. Show me every day in every moment how to love You more, with all that I am. I will not be satisfied until I awake in Your likeness. I owe you everything, because You gave your all to pay my debt on the cross.

As I start this journey this summer to truly dig into Your word like never before and study it as the most important book I will ever lay eyes on, I ask that You give me wisdom and understanding. I understand that my relationship with You will not always be emotional, warm fuzzies all the time. But I am not seeking a spiritual high that is founded on emotions. I am seeking spiritual truths that I so desperately crave. I am seeking to know You beyond what is humanly possible. I am often frustrated when I don’t feel like You are using me for Your purposes… but I know that I am the only one to blame. Any distance between You and me at any point in my life is a direct result of: 1) my unwillingness to surrender everything and let You have Your way in me (aka, pride and stubbornness), and 2) laziness… choosing to not put forth the effort it takes to grow in my walk with You, but instead give other meaningless things that attention that only You deserve. Every good relationship on this earth takes time, effort, and attention. How foolish are we believers to think that our relationship with You is not worthy of these three things that are so crucial? Teach me to surrender all my time, effort, and attention to You.

I will not wear a mask.

To anyone reading my blog… I teased you by starting this blog in March, with no clear direction of what I was going to write about. I know now that it is going to be a real life blog, one of brutal honesty about the person I am and things revealed to me as I study my Bible and other materials. When I wrote the above prayer, it was with no intentions of sharing it with anyone, much less the world wide web. But I felt the Holy Spirit lead me to, and I won't ignore Him. I know this blog will ultimately be a testimony of God’s transforming power in this flawed believer who loves, fears, and seeks Him. I know He will use life experiences to be glorified in me and to grow my faith. I have struggled with what some people may think or say if I write transparently for all to see. But, I have finally reached a point where I’m not concerned about what anyone thinks but my Heavenly Father. In addition, I won’t pretend to have all the answers or have the perfect life, because both of those things are deceitful. Life is hard, life is often not fair, but that does not make life any less beautiful or God any less worthy of praise. We must not forget that there is so much more to God than only what we see or experience. We have the great opportunity to follow Jesus, with the power of the Holy Spirit to help us in every way, and live a life far more awesome than we could have ever imagined no matter what we face. I hope my life will prove that to be true, and I hope He uses me in ways I will not know about until I get to Heaven so that I will never be tempted to take credit when all the credit belongs to Him.

A Disclaimer and Some History

Well, I’ve finally done it. I’ve started this blog that I’ve thought about doing for several months now. I don’t know why I haven’t made the time to do it earlier. I think it’s been two things: 1.) Staying too busy with school and work, and 2.) Fear… fear that I won’t update it regularly, fear of how I’ll be viewed by those who know me and read what I say, and fear of it not “succeeding” in the blog world. Funny thing, I'll be sharing something I wrote last year about the paralyzing effects of fear by the end of this blog.

Anyways, I don’t know what I’ll write in the coming weeks and months or who my reading audience is, but I am not going to make excuses anymore. If you are reading my blog, then you must be curious as to what I want to say. Maybe you will agree with me on most topics, and maybe you will disagree with me on every single one. So consider this a disclaimer: Just as I have the choice to blog, you have the choice to read it. Please don’t leave any nasty comments. I will delete them and I will continue writing. Also don’t leave any comments in attempt to debate with me or make me change my view on anything. Maybe one day I’ll choose to carry on debates, but for now I am using this site to journal whatever is laid on my heart. Some of you may be surprised at the things I share, while others may think they are typical Desiree thoughts.

As most of my blogs will be about my walk with God, I will be the first to tell you that I am not a Bible scholar and I, by NO means, feel like I am any holier than the next believer. I am not perfect. Nor will I ever be, until I am standing in eternity with Him. Some stuff that I write may be my personal struggles while other topics may be provoked by anger at sin and a zeal for righteousness. He ignites a passion in me on many things that I don’t want to keep to myself anymore.

So if you’re still interested... Here it goes! I'm starting with a little background.
I started a new walk with God recently. I have been a Christian since I was a child, but I'm not sure I have ever passionately pursued Him. That is an entire blog post in itself, which I will save for later. Right now the important thing is that I’m on a mission to chase after Him with everything I am. I was reading in Deuteronomy last night, where the Lord commanded His people to love the Lord your God with your entire heart, soul, and mind. That verse really hit me, even though I have heard it many times before.

When you love someone, it is not only easy to pursue them... it is a pleasure. They constantly invade your every thought. Their voice makes your heart feel so much joy. Their touch reaches to your soul. You desire to know them more and more. For example… when Brett was deployed, I would devour the letters and e-mails that he wrote me. I would tear them open at the mailbox and read them over and over again. Why has my attitude towards my God’s Word, the Bible, been so different? It is the greatest love story ever told. Real history of a God that loves, conquers, forgives, heals, and transforms. It overflows with more wisdom about who I am as His daughter than I could ever grasp in an entire lifetime of reading it.

So I am forced to ask myself... Have I loved God without ever being head over heels in love with Him? Have I only praised Him when He blessed me and prayed to Him when I needed help? Perhaps not all the time, but it is a fair judgment of myself to say I have been self-centered. We're humans, that's the norm. And as I read through journals that I have written since I was a teenager, I can see the utter frustration I always felt towards my attitude and distant relationship I had with Him as a result of seeking to do things my way. I wanted to use Him for my benefit, and I was good at ignoring His will for my life in pursuance of my own. As I continue to blog, I anticipate sharing bits and pieces of those journals to potentially help someone else who may be stuck in the same sort of rut in their relationship with the Lover of their soul.

My first few entries will contain writings from about a year ago. This first one is about fear, and the next one will be about faith/trust. It is so encouraging to go back and read them and know that He has already shown me so much. I am sharing them to give some background as to what my relationship has been like with God, particularly over the past year. I am being vulnerable, and I may get judged by some. But I think it is worth it if God uses my experiences to touch just one of your lives.

FEAR NO MORE! (Written in May 2009)

Fear is ruining my life. It has me paralyzed. It blinds and deafens me. I am its puppet while its deceptive, evil fingers manipulate me into doing what it wants me to do, saying what it wants me to say, feeling what it wants me to feel, and thinking what it wants me to think.

This isn’t supposed to be a problem for me. It’s not what God wants, surely. I am a Christian, Jesus talks about not being afraid many times in the Bible. Can I tell you the Scriptures? Not exactly. I know one says something like, “Fear not, for I am with you,” and another one says something like, “For God has not given us the Spirit of fear, but of peace” and….a sound mind. Peace and rest and a sound mind? I’m not sure. And yet another comes to mind, one I memorized as a child by listening to some sort of kiddy storytelling cassette: “Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous? Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Perhaps because the Word isn’t in me like it should be, I am pacified by fear every day. And each day it controls me is a day that I will never be able to get back. I bet that pleases satan, to have that control over my life in such that I waste time worrying about things I should not worry. If my faith was truly in God as strongly as it is meant to be, would I be able to get over my fears and perhaps, for the first time in my life, truly live?

I have realized that my faith is nowhere near what I thought it was. Yes, I believe
Jesus died on the cross for me. I am saved by grace through faith in Him. But if I believe that His Spirit lives in me and He is always right here with me like the Bible tells me, WHY do I worry about ANYTHING? Perhaps it’s because worshiping Him and studying His Word has been so low on my priority list.

Guess what? Fear keeps me from reading the Bible. That sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. I just figured that out tonight. At a surface level I feel anxiety when I think about reading because I don’t know where to start. From the beginning, one may suggest. But I have started at Genesis probably 100 times in my life and never got past the first 5 books of the Bible. To start again would be a reminder of my failed attempts over the years. And that is why I hesitate. Because I have started from the beginning of the New Testament, and I have started using a Daily Bible that breaks the entire Bible up into small, healthy doses of Old and New Testaments with a couple Scriptures from Psalms and Proverbs. And shortly after I start, be it a week or a month later, I get behind or sidetracked and I stop. Another failure to add to the list.

This being said, I just had a revelation: fear and failure go hand in hand. I used to be afraid to check the mail because of bills we had failed to pay. For years I was afraid to go to school because I didn’t want to start something I wasn’t 100% confident I would finish. I’m afraid of dying before I have fulfilled the purposes set before me because I would fail my God.

And then I hear...

“My love for you will never change.”

But God, I have fallen so many times before! Surely Your grace and your mercy for me have ran dry by now.

“Never.”

But God… I am so weak

“And I am your strength. Let Me be your strength.”

If I try again, to know You deeply and love You passionately, how do I know that I’m gonna get it right this time?

“You can’t be perfect. Only I am perfect. You will fall flat on your face sometimes. But I will be there. I already am there.”

Okay, so I have to surrender. I have to. I cannot live like this any longer. Will you teach me how? I am so used to trying to do this on my own. I don’t know how to let go.

“I will teach you. I promise.”

I love you. Thank you so much for hearing me.

“I love you too, more than you’ll ever know.”

He NEVER left me. It was my pride, laziness, and selfish desires that kept me from growing closer to Him before now. And any time I stumble, He remains unchanging. His love is not based on how close I get or how far I fall. I cannot earn His love. But the closer I get to Him, the more fulfilled I will be. There is nothing more satisfying than when I know I am pleasing my Father.

One final reminder about my Father. He could not fathom an eternity without us. He became human to die a humiliating death so that we can boldly, freely, relentlessly enter into His presence to love Him and be loved. What if we live in the reality of this insane love we are freely given?? And if we are receivers of such love, isn't it only fair that we share that love instead of keeping it for ourselves? That is a whole other blog post.